New excuse for doing bugger-all; some kind of cold has thwapped me sideways. Not unpleasant, dosed up with pharmaceuticals, reading and dozing in front of tely. Little downstairs computer has packed up so research has to stop - Bob is away and common decency means I have to sit with parrots or they feel bereft. Just as well as research is overwhelming me, damn thing turning into a thesis which is not, not, my intention.
-Back from Sete, a miraculous little holiday with my brother Matt. He's newly widowed and coping with a bereaved family. I'm finding Ians death has strange repercussions.
Went drawing last night with a newly-established art group, fantastically depressing. Thomas-from-Paris a decent bloke; interesting, indeed. But the room was packed and the quality of the work being proffered - was overwhelmed with the horror of endless repetitions of misunderstood turn-of-the-century artworks.
----At least, that's what I would have said before I learnt to be non-judgemental.
My own work was crap too, which didn't help. Can't go back. Enough futility in the studio without extending it. How many drawings have I done over how many years? Many thousands still cluttering up what storage there is in the studio. Pointless except for the three or four that escaped my control to teach me something - at least (last nights little comfort) I've managed to destroy my facility for glibness.
Memories of drawing Ian over the last thirty-five years flashing over me. Futility, loss, purposelessness are my handmaidens today and for the foreseeable.
... camera broke. It's at the menders, with all my lifes' information, and the snaps of the watercolours I did in the mountains. Not particularly noteworthy.
On Friday morning my right eye was lasered free of the veil that had obscured it. That's when I discovered the phone/camera was broken. Was testing the eye by the river and saw a young otter, not much longer than my hand and wrist, plus tail of the same length. Sliding over the rocks, in and out of the water.
For a variety of associated reasons, thats when I thought Ian might be dead.
Went to his house and the meal I'd left for him the night before was still on the doorstep. Radio on furiously loud, no lights. Went home and got his key...
He was lying in his bed, comfortably, head resting on one hand, fast asleep; but grey. And when I touched his shoulder, it was icy. Cant shake the sight of him in my minds eye. Will no doubt have to paint it to shift it.
The need to engage is slowly returning. Dibbling with bits. Studying 1st century Palestine so now its in my dreams.
Good news; the mural I made for Ferren is approved of by the purchasers of the house and they'll be keeping it, according to the house agent I met this morning. Pleased; it was an honest piece. Which I can't find a photo of -
Had a crack at a watercolour on Weds when Bob kindly drove me to the vineyards above Luc-sur-Aude - lovely, no-one about, misty. And wet. Didn't mind the rain but the mist actually obscured my vision - sitting in low cloud will do that, it seems. Plus my thermos of water leaked so my watercolour papers were wet but patchily, not usefully. No big deal.
Enjoyed the outing.
In the event found several typos but couldn't find out how to change them -! So off it goes, for pedants to enjoy.
Discovered that my WikiP page has disappeared. I'm un-personed, cant find out why or how to restore it. Does it matter? I hadn't seen it for years... it might have been missing for a decade hahaha BUT did find other sites referring to it and also sundry sites that are long dead, including the reproof of the soul which I used to like, and the dressing table site. If I can find them again, can I copy them? If I can copy them, where do I put them? Oh la, this is not my decade.
Discovered also that my robovac is so old you cant get parts for it. It has outlived its time. Sigh.
**********************
Woah, here's the hermes trig stuff, until l can open my site and put it there. Or I might just go for a walk.
Vanilla Beer - HERMES TRISMEGISTOS
Going to put out Death: A Work in Progress as a kindle book and the creators of these things are insisting that I check it for errors. So that's today done for, sigh.
It's fresh and wet here, makes many things possible. Sitting in front of a computer not the favourite choice, though I have all the worlds' known music to play the while, thanks to youtube.
