2 June Sat 2013

Been back from London about a week - been in studio but trying not to engage since there is a lot demanding my attention for the show of Septemeber in Greenwich.
Apart from trying to update my archaic guest list there is the advertising and listings, posters, explicatory texts hahaha, power point presentation for the gallery (are they serious??) stuff to arrange about the gallery talks and invitations to design with gallery talk info. All of it makes my heart sink further.
Oh - and price list. I asked Min how she priced her work and she does costs and 400 percent, which is what a restaurant does. Rather clever. It means your overheads are ignored, your training and time, but its a formula that is consistent and actually makes the work affordable without being giveaway. Maybe I can take the number of paintings a year and divide into overheads to get an idea of the real cost, throw that in - overheads being elec., gas and rates on studio. No rent. No mortgage. Shouldn't be too bad.

Off to explicatory texts now. I'm not even sure what I'm showing till its hung so will have to do a sack full.

As soon as I sit in front of the computer my eyes hurt.

weds 5th June 2013

In a rare attack of sensibleness, I have been eating properly and taking brief brisk walks; talking to myself seriously about how this is only painting, nobody cares about painting; my next show is the 100th plus and will make no difference to anything. Stop panic, breath properly, calm down, just paint the damn thing.

Its quite a funny picture too, time to enjoy its final stages.

4th June 2012 Tuesday

Drawing yesterday a nighmare. Not a good few days in general. Painting turned to wall, back to the ex-Thetis Carrying Armour to Achilles. Today determined to finish something. Yesterday too frightened to set foot in studio because I knew I'd destroy the lot.
Can't work out what went wrong. The model was Marie and she is very ill, shes got hepatitis C; shes gaunt and bony and yesterday seemed to be in pain. Next to me was Kat, just had her gall bladder out and not herself. I felt like a despair antennae. Picked up nothing but anguish and couldn't work with it or make it better. Don't know how I survived the day.
Once again, on the brink of giving it all up.

Later; went through the drawings again and today they look no worse - and no better- than normal. Think I'd just been hoping for more, expecting a leap that didn't arrive. Its all so frustrating! This morning been on the ex-Thetis and its better, much better, not finished but showing a direction. I like the surface scaring from when I scraped it all last week.  Can work into that. Trying to be patient with it is the hard bit, its not going to give me anything unless I coax it and I want to slap it around and make it behave... better take a break, rest the eyes, go back gentler.

June 1st Saturday

 Guests arrived yesterday and are very sweet in leaving me to carry on while they sight see... so a full day yesterday, many changes. Bit like those spot-the-difference competitions of ones youth.

Horribly chalky but nearly there I think. Guests are off to Carcassonne today so I get another clear run. Off I go to the studio.