Drawing yesterday a nighmare. Not a good few days in general. Painting turned to wall, back to the ex-Thetis Carrying Armour to Achilles. Today determined to finish something. Yesterday too frightened to set foot in studio because I knew I'd destroy the lot.
Can't work out what went wrong. The model was Marie and she is very ill, shes got hepatitis C; shes gaunt and bony and yesterday seemed to be in pain. Next to me was Kat, just had her gall bladder out and not herself. I felt like a despair antennae. Picked up nothing but anguish and couldn't work with it or make it better. Don't know how I survived the day.
Once again, on the brink of giving it all up.
Later; went through the drawings again and today they look no worse - and no better- than normal. Think I'd just been hoping for more, expecting a leap that didn't arrive. Its all so frustrating! This morning been on the ex-Thetis and its better, much better, not finished but showing a direction. I like the surface scaring from when I scraped it all last week. Can work into that. Trying to be patient with it is the hard bit, its not going to give me anything unless I coax it and I want to slap it around and make it behave... better take a break, rest the eyes, go back gentler.
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