13 10 2024

 Ridiculously subtle. Had some spare time yesterday and had a go at drawing but shoulder and repetitive strain injury playing up. Lala.

12 10 2024

 Bobs family here which is very agreeable, constitutes time out. The Med yesterday, curiously devoid of life. Spotted one little fish. Some dead clams. No birds, no plants of interest. Sigh. 

On the plus side, my book about death is growing apace!!!

06 10 2024

 Managing to get time to work - this entry probably counts as displacement therapy - yesterday was all mushrooms. It took rather more time to find them than to draw them, over three days. Results to follow, but dull. Shame really. Been out today and found wild mint and a tiny white thing I don't know the name of - 

In the meantime, old chum and one-time collaborator Leo has died. Feeling bad I'm not going to the funeral but a couple of mates are going from Esperaza and that'll do, no-one will notice I'm not there. Will of course have a very private ceremony here. 

Now the shape of what future is left is clear. Two local mates down with Parkinson's; others with various cancers; my own family in trouble. On the plus side, one brother is in remission.

The more stuff I generate the more trouble I make for my inheritors. Find it hard to take pleasure in this.

29 09 2024

 That's September done with, barring unforeseen activity - 

26 09 2024

Lack lustre but then cactus ain't my driving passion.

Jumpy with todays frustration; waited all morning for gas man to service boiler - and he did, whilst making me uneasy (=skin disease, eye problem etc. Unsmiling) He'd just driven away when I found a loose pipe dripping. Norbert came round. Tim too. Tim rang the company, twice, and splendidly lambasted them but I cant get it fixed till Monday and maybe not then.

So no 11 has no water, new tank being fitted; no 5 has no water, stop-cock problem; now no 9 is questionable. Put on water in Robins house, will use that (after I've cleaned the bath -) 

Tim rang Saur and managed to get them round to deal with stop-cock. They are coming back next week.

22 09 2024

 Bob drove me to collect pix from Quillan - really really really depressing. No more shows now. Possibly no more painting. Though anxious to continue the drawings;Allenna here till Weds and Bob goes then too, so I get a few days free. Having fun with Allenna.

20 09 2024

 Got collected by nice man Vincent, sent by the Rotary Club to get some paintings off me for their exhibition. Badly hung in a gym in Quillan, exhausting and really really depressing.

Nice people and one can't fault their ambition -

19 09 2024

This gave me pleasure - the hours bewitched by the mice and the process of  drawing them. Used wax to do the gravel so that made the stones invisible to me, until washed over; like those childhood tricks. 

 

16 09 2024

 Holidays continue, self-consciously loafing. Took in the Max Jacob at Ceret, very taken with his astrological readings and their strange beauty.

Bit ho hum about the rest - rather thought someone had found a shoebox of his stuff and stretched it to a show. Padded with his 'circle ' - which was most of the known art world in the early 1900's. 

10 09 2024

 Waiting for the gas man. 

Bob in the UK so sheet washing and drying and ironing devolve to me. ALL visitors gone! Several empty houses, one of which I have relocated to, so it feels like a holiday.

All garden produce has to be cleaned, chopped, preserved. 

So that was yesterday (very first world probs) and today is the gas man.

Was going to persevere with Hobbes, Lock and that lot but found a nice Graham Greene... this is my holiday.

06 09 2024

 spent forever on this portrait - now realise it doesn't look like Raul and anyway its horrible. 

 

05 09 2024

 

Butterfly finished, ditto centipede... fairly inert here, overwhelmed by writing stuff so paralysed by it, Bruno still visiting -weather on the turn. I'm as confused as the rest of the wildlife.

04 09 2024

 

really, ugh... if it wasn't part of a (long) series I wouldn't bovver. 

Which does call the long series into question. 

Spinoza keeping me sane.

The portrait of Raul I did for his feschgrift is out and looks good but nothing like Raul, alas. Bob says it looks warm, which is something.

Apropos, I have to make a video of congratulation for him now, something I've not done before (made a sendable video) and I'm putting off. 

02 09 2924

Rather like the bat, above, though I used the wrong ink (Toby had given me a pot of violet ink and a bottle of brown: I'd intended to use my walnut ink but thought I'd give the new stuff a try. Picked up the wrong bottle. Brown bat becomes transformed. Had to work had to pull it back to a respectable likeness and though I have failed, its very bat-ness is apparent.)

Haven't photographed the other pic., a butterfly - meretriciously dull - might just bin it.

 

28 08 2024

 No longer sure what counts as 'work' in a work diary... but busy, for sure.  Nearly finished chapter 2 of my Big Girls Guide to Death book :) Enjoying it far too much. OOO Spinoza!! But not so keen on some of the other enlightenment geezers. 

And taking notes for a couple of drawings which I must finish before the month is out.

21 08 2024

Last for August - unless I get it together for more - but since the birds have flown and the insects gone quiet (its colder-) there's not a lot happening. That I'm able to deal with.

 

15 08 2024

 The adolescent who has taken over the garden , sulking and louche. 

12 08 2024

 Another switch has been flipped in me and I'm drawing again, with pleasure; plotting a painting or two also. Maybe the writing has got too difficult! (Possible) 

Trying to work out what has happened. 

Had a shock on Saturday. No big deal, but a shock. En route to meet Richard for weekend at theirs, done the shopping but I went back into store to get something Id forgotten - and forgetting I had Bobs shopping in my bag. Triggered alarm, bladyblah, easy - rang Bob to come from car with his receipt. That was that. But it took a while and I encountered amazing hostility, which I'm unused to. Can that sort of identity thing make a difference? The queue behind me watching as I'm accused of badness?? (I mean, really - if I was stealing something would I leave the marker on it and go through the till? Never had to think about it but no, I wouldn't) (I tend not to steal though if I had to, probably would -)

Had a relaxing time, swam, drank a lot, ate well - that's probably the difference - and its early days, I may just be missing drawing and bored with research.

These are rather lovely seed pods from a Golden Rain tree... 

and below, meteor watching in Belpeche.

30 07 2024

 My lack of self-awareness continues to surprise. I moved onto paper- based work, thinking it was a digital project; now I'm obsessed, mildly, with writing.

All this on realising I will never exhibit paintings again. Having the type of ego that requires a platform, it all makes sense.

Something rather humiliating about it though. Not self-sufficient, by any stretch... 

23 07 2024

 Nature diary got enough entries for July so have turned with enthusiasm to writing my long-promised book. So enjoying it!! Hard though, and word count tragic. I'II be dead before its finished; ironically. Touching up latest painting cautiously in passing.  

18 07 2024

 Rather pleased with this, after the recent obsession with Adorno - though it fits no bill nor resolves anything, merely one idea being abandoned after another leaves a negative trace. 

Early morning vision of a squirrel. 

Coming to grips, a tiny tiny tiny bit, with the Gaza picture.

14 07 2024

baby redstart, flew into studio and too clueless to get out. But then he did so this may stay unfinished

 

13 07 2024

Dont know the name of this flower but loved it as a kid so in keeping with my remit have to draw it; boring. Will do what I can and stop.

Was so pleased with my big black beetle and managed to splatter it with pink paint, which has ruined it for me... bah.

 It's the season: adolescent birds fly in and cant get out. Yesterday morning was trying to get this redstart out, eventually successfully though covered in cobwebs. One of my favourite birds so will have a go at him/her today.

Having cancelled my autumn tour - Oxford residency, German conference - I'm focusing more. Got myself out of going by hearing Stafford say, profit from my mistakes; since all he ever wanted was to 'stay put' [ listed as his hobby on Whos Who] I can get that. 

But what else? What were his mistakes?

09 07 2024

Able to hit the studio - Toms gone (alas) Have been interrupted by Daniel who persists in not going away - I was fairly vile so suspect he'll go elsewhere for help next time. He's overstayed by 11 days now and says he MAY leave next week. How did I fall into this?? Bob warned me and is rather smug.

There are two more guests here but so far not too disruptive. Friends of friends. Next to arrive is Bobs family and we like them.

The trouble is, I work from home and I don't have a protective team.

Have decided - and announced- I wont be taking up the Oxford residency, nor going to the conference in Berlin. Terribly miserable about it. Feels like acknowledging my life is over...
 

08 07 2024

 I've categorised this as a dead mouse but I guess it could be a baby rat, who knows... and I can't bear to draw the sand martin found in the street in a cloudburst, drowning and knocked out of its nest. Brought it in, dried it out, fed it. It made it through the night and seemed anxious to fly away so I hurled it from the studio with a prayer - this time of year as heart-breaking as any other. 

05 07 2024

 Spent my birthday, yesterday, making sandwiches - which was a great pleasure, calming and engaging. Had a v long bath and then a party. Which went well, Bob hosting and caring for the guests and musicians, while I sat behind a gate with Jamsie steadily drinking. Nice.

Woke up today to a change of game in the UK - Tories out, uncertain ones in - and a letter asking to use my portrait for the cover of a feschgrifft which should probably remain unnamed as it might be a surprise to the honoured one. Pleased and surprised. Did it even look like him??

02 07 2024

 Frazzled and unable to work; too many people, too much to do. Actually I'm much calmer than I was, realise that I cant expect to do much now for weeks as more people arrive and stuff has to be addressed. Instead, I can think and garner ideas. Breathe in, breathe out.

Got photos of June's pictures so that's done. But photos lost in virtual world. Moth, Frog, Fruit. Darting marks at a dead mouse as I pass...

29 06 2024

fabulous frogs, bewitching - cant draw them at all! Enamelling only route and Im not starting that. Fiddling with watercolour as I go...

ditto whatever this weird fruit is.

Still got Bobs niece here - her partner arrives today - plus Daniel turned up without passport and dosh, needing administrative skills I do not have. 

Accordingly hassled and fretful.

 

20 06 2024

Back from La Folie at Puilaurens, where a good time was had by all. Lots to see and to think about. Work banal except have learnt to cut lines in paper with penknife, which directs the flow and density of watercolour.

 

14 06 2024

 Totally lazy morning since yesterdays work is so dull. Followed by a lazy afternoon, on the terrace in the sun reading Berlioz's Memories. Poor man. Though enjoy his irascibility. 

11 06 2024

 That's not what I meant at all, that's not it at all...

So spent the day cleaning up, pottering with half baked unfinished bits, wondering what I'd save if push comes to shove.

Rather floating on the euphoria of painkillers.

Have to trust what I know of the process.

09 06 2024

 creaking along here.

Bought standard 300gm watercolour paper - 30 sheets - at 1.50 e per sheet. Not ideal but at least cheap. Feel compromised by choice, dosh, circumstances. Wrong decisions, poor project. 

Yuri gone, Bob kindly took him to the airport which is why I could get to buy paper. Miss his erudition and kindness. 

Three days clear before a young niece of Bobs moves in with us for a month. Charming child, of course, though I'm slightly concerned that I'II end up baby-sitting; no idea how capable she is.  Bob is pushing off to England for some of her visit. 

06 06 2024

 It lacks lustre, for sure, but it does the job. Now in an odd position: started this diary for many reasons but one was to use the paper left me by Bernard. Now that is all but gone. The point was not to die leaving fabulous unused paper. But but but now to finish the damn thing I have to buy more and so revert to earlier problem.

Ridiculous.

Think I'II just change paper and finish up differently. Since I envisage the end product as photographed then size and texture are academic (---) except its all quite different.

Bernard would unhesitatingly buy more. For sure.

31 05 2024

 

horrible and an enormous labour. Two reasons; one, the little spiders on the bridge are worth noting and two, it'll fit well in the set. Which now numbers 60.

Sleeplessness, arthritis and angst dog me. New oven being fitted by non-professionals. Hoping and not-hoping it'll finish me off.

28 05 2024

Still - god, how long now? - been fiddling with Peters 'portrait. With luck the sudden red will resolve. Should invite him back for a last, really, sitting.

Heres the old studio, crumbling away. Will have to take it down, the nostalgia too ridiculous.

Caterpillar, baby bird and cat from Rennes-le-bains. Cut the bird from the failed drawing and glued it. 

And here a hoopoe from Belpeche. Stumbled into the entire town mourning the death of an infant, a child, driven into a plane tree by her grandmothers loss of car control. Never been around communal grief before, silent and profound. The hoopoe flew into that. Then we scattered the ashes of Diane at Pech-Luna, where the hare appeared.

 

27 05 2024

 Montpellier a blast - though lost a day en route attending another death ceremony, for Diana at Pech Luna.

Spent a day in Musee Fabre. Recharged, back at the easel now. Drawing too. Useful break.

22 05 2024

 Made such a pigs' ear of the cat and blue tit that I'm actually going to have to junk it - and that took all day. Such precious paper! Will turn it over and have another go.

BUT I'm away now - bus to Limoux, collection by old mates, night in Belpeche; tomorrow train to Montpelier for 2 days questing art.  

Will carry totemic drawing book.

20 05 2024

 

 Finished - the river in spate - which has taken a  couple of weeks, adding tiny strokes as and when. Looks like it was bashed off in moments. At least, I hope so! Spate is a sudden and dramatic thing. Pleased with it.

These are in process, both occasioned by being in Rennes les Bains. Bloody cat and tiny tit, hopefully it survived; and sad caterpillar, picked up off a cement path. Carried it to greenery so hopefully that survived too. No doubt both will serve as lunch for something later, sigh.

Shaking from suppressed ideas. Or more probably from a pain au raison and strong coffee (bad night)

19 05 2024

 Extraordinary coming together of packing materials, painting and transport. I asked for help via Facebook, and got it! Two nice big packages, nice fit for the pic,;  and Cen and Annette are going north Wales-ward tomorrow, through Shrewsbury which the buyer lives. Did I say?? Can't remember... sold The Dragon Killing St George , 100 x 100 so a challenge to pack and move.

Completely delighted, a welcome hug of encouragement.

17 05 2024

 Day off yesterday!! Cabin fever been an issue, despite the space and light. Bunked off to Perpignan, 7.50 bus to Quillan, 8.20 bus to Perpignan. Two hours through the mountains, across the plane... worth it for the trip. Stumbled into the Centre d'art contemporain, (from now till the end of the month open Tues to Sun, 11.00 - 17.30) and the work of Sylvie Dubal , 1937 - 2021. Felt an immediate affinity. 

She draws with fine pencil, carefully, lots of birds; she incorporates herself, reminding me of the cybernetic dictum that the observer is part of the picture.

Plan to introduce myself into the nature diary drawings. Of course the artist is implicit but I want me to be explicit.

should have taken better snaps... but her old self, white-haired and bunned, hand held out to heron, will remain with me. Though since its been so very long since anyone else's work excited me, I might go back and photograph it properly.

We have classic themes in common too, the three fates, the christ(ine) lots of words. 

09 05 2024

 Expo up and, as they say, mixed. 

Turns out there was no actual physical space for me or Catherine to show or work. Not especially bovvered, I prepared to exit. Then I was given some tables, a sort of cube of them, 4 standing back to back. Quite intriguing - also impossible to use for hanging my stuff on.

Went to my stock and found a load of framed drawings left over from another show (Quillan), plus an accompanying catalogue left over from another show (Deptford); flattened the tables and bunged out the frames. Ditto for Katherines small paintings - she was away and I was in loco p for the work.

The poor and desperate woman who has instigated and is organising the thing found two spaces for two paintings either side of the stage, looks OK, and Katherine has made it back (Florida to Esperaza by public transport) and likes it all.

Only got to do the guest bedrooms for the funeral mourners, ETA Sunday,  and do the work undone for Cybersoc now... Oh and attend the mayors opening at 4.00 today. 

07 05 2024

 Been resting, I suppose; not doing much anyway. What I was working on was boring me.

Got a couple of notions and was about to resume, when Phil, bother-in-law, died. Feel obscurely guilty since I'd been working on death; did the webinar about the afterlife (rather well, I thought, though no one else seemed to like it -) and was considering the Kiss of Death as a motif. 

Now tied up with the funeral and arrival of family.

And today starts the Artists a reconotrer - just about to start the hanging, for me and Katherine who is not back from Florida yet. Actually appreciate the distraction and Ive been given someone to help me -

30 04 2024

 I've finished making notes for my talk on death; I'm about to start on the tax returns.

Got to paint a banner for the art show, held over the ascension in the MJC.

Cleaned some brushes.

Its a full life.

25 04 2024

 Ducklings; running on water, it seemed. The Mama was steering them down to the heronry so doubt that they are still with us. 

***Note to self: The 25 nature diary drawings are under the mattress on the studio day bed. Couldn't find another flat surface to store them on.  Room for more. Though at current rate there will be just 50 pages to explain the cycle of life here and my engagement with it. Oh well and a hey nonny no -

24 04 2024

 managed some exercise this morning, glory - been too crippled since moving next to studio and exercise machine to have a go. Not sure if its worth it, if one should lie down and accept the inevitable, but I doo feel somewhat friskier.

- not apparent in the drawing.

This morning, there was a young nuthatch in the garden. Not sure if I can do it justice. Meanwhile, ducklings.

18 04 2024

 Bugs in water. Have to draw standing up as back bad, a new pain in my catalogue - constant and unattractive. Enjoyed the drawing though.

17 04 2014

Abandoning this, secure in the knowledge that my skills are not up to getting it right. Though its chiefly the smell l wanted, hot sun on emerging figs. 

Working on larvae in the Aude now.
 

14 04 2024

Should probably tweak this but I've released him back into the wild...

So very lovely! 

Got others on the go so he'll  have to stay, despite unhappy likeness to '50's cartoon character whose name I've forgotten.

 

13 04 2024

Not lacking models at the moment, loads of birds, fish, flowers - and a ginormous moth which I'm currently about. Only need cartridge paper for that and couldn't find any; then uncovered an old portfolio with a SEALED packet of 25 large sheets. 

Already got marks on some of the pages.

Weird, some sort of invitation to incorporate.

 

10 04 2024

 Somewhat belatedly, decided to improve my health. This involves moving bedrooms. The new bedroom has an accessible shower so I can stand under hot water and move in the mornings, arthritis being what it is. Next to that is an exercise bike, so I can improve muscle function. 

So far, preparing new bedroom is killing me :) Had to clean and prepare. Tomorrow will do bed and start schlepping stuff. 

Managed to finish this en passant -