Tuesday 30 December 2014

30th Dec 2014 Tues

God I'll be glad when this year is over.
Still not working; still afraid my life is wasted.
-When my mate Kat rings, saying that Philip C. is in her gallery with two of my pictures that hes found in a dustbin.

All true. Trace everything back to an error on the part of R and A = he was supposed to take them to store with the others in the garage, didnt pack them, they got junked later. Or something. Nothing else involved honest. How do I know, I churn out so much stuff (except for the last x months) and I entrust them to other people to deal with. God know what happens.

On the one hand, delighted to find I do care. On the other, sense of self-worth as an artist trashed totally.

Monday 15 December 2014


Great morning. X was horrid about Y and so enraged me that the energy of the work was great. Unless Im much mistaken  at least 10 of this mornings drawings were damn' good.
Funny, the energy of anger. Better than the sopiness of love...

Friday 12 December 2014


Not completely idle... been embroidering dead wasps. 

Tuesday 9 December 2014

9th december, tuesday,2014

--read a phrase about an 'inner critic' and thought, hmmm, thats whats suffocating me. Constant evaluation is essential in practicing work but outside of the activity its not obligatory.
Went happily drawing yesterday - Clare modelling, shes such a pleasure - thinking these thoughts.
Then stood way way back. If I'd seen them in a show what would I have thought?
And lo! There were half a dozen that I would have been captivated by. Albeit briefly.

Now going through some old paintings with that same head. I'm at a show - know nothing about the work or the artist - its a good way to view especially as I seem to be capable of forgetting things after they're done with a ruthless thoroughness. However; when I spot a flaw - as in, Why is that (insert ....) so (insert...) then I can recall the answer, the route that led to that solution.  But I don't know if its a success. Its only inevitable.

Inner critic still sitting on my face. Sigh. At least I can sit in the studio without asthma attack for a short while now.