27 09 2022

 The truly great and remarkable Brian Catling has died; on top of Bernards death this is all too much. On the plus side, when the lump/pain started up again last night (=bigger, moved) I found I really didn't want to die until I'd finished two paintings I'm working on. Nice to have that passion back.

Both Brian and Bernard died after extensive cancer interventions, exhausted.

26 09 2022

Finished three, like them - been working on them for sooooo long that I feel I've seen them before, as if they are copied from earlier work. This way lies madness.

Did a couple of hours drawing, using the dip pen from Lourdes I got in a vide grenier, and soaked chinese ink stick. Forgotten I had a facility; as soon as I remembered and became self-conscious, it left me. Enough done to inform the next paintings, with luck.

 

25 09 2022

 Last two nearly finished, bit of fiddling needed. Beginning to get a feel for the collection. Why should most/ a lot of cultures see the soul leaving on a boat? Sea and river based as most are, perhaps that's enough to explain it. Thinking of Arthur being towed out to Avalon as well as the rest. 

Off to Sete on Thursday for a couple of days, meeting old art colleague from London.. Last time I was there did various drawings which have come back to influence me in this series, oddly.  

23 09 2022

 - not fast moving, these pictures. Perhaps the scale is wrong - they are much smaller than my usual size. Fiddly. Not moving well. Been channelling my inner John Bellany too, not my intention.

Started too early this morning as Mario volunteered to take my paintings for the show in Quillan, at 8.00am. I got up far too early, 5.00 ish - had a guest to wave goodbye to too - didn't really settle to the grindstone, then went out to a late lunch which confused me. 

Hey ho. Excuses becoming pathetic. 

22 09 2022

 Went out drawing with les filles yesterday and managed to do absolutely nothing. A record. And the death-knell to those events.  Today's excitement is that the show I was in has been cancelled :) Or at least, re-located to Quillan which makes it impossible for me. 

I dreamed of Loretta, who was staffing the doors of a big exhibition (like the arts fair at Olympia) and refusing to let people in. Nice to see her.

20 09 2022

 Self-criticism and remorse the order of the day. And yesterday and possibly before; doubt vital but when is enough enough?

15 09 2022

 Managed to get some paints, none especially desirable, all necessary. Only Zinc white available locally - which experience has shown discolours after about 20 years - so I've been having fun mixing it with the existing dregs of Sennelier. Feels most alchemical.

Painted out the more ditzy elements of the ones I'm working on. Ca marche, ca marche...

12 09 2022

Getting back into something like a rythm - what a bitch this year has been, it's a relief to think about being dead hoho

 and this is a pre-lapsarian evaluation, still refusing to get resolved but I continue to allege, getting there -

11 99 2022

Ticking along - three post-death pix on the go, all working well - until a head-cold got me. In bed now.

Amusing moment when I discovered that the reason I wasn't using black in my pix of dying was that I didn't have any. The place is stacked with tubes of paint and no black. Precious few yellows too, really must do a stocktake and restock soon... however, diligent searching among old paints revealed this ancient tube, unopened, which I could undo with pliers. Lovely paint. Think it was Kitajs since I had a stash from him when he left for the states. How weird it all is; still have brushes from Edward Seago, given to me by his partner Petie just after his death. Think I should be buried with my stash. Actually, would love to make a huge pile of it all and take a cast.

 

08 09 2022

 Finally definitively finished - started 2 more based on Bernards motif, that he abandoned before his death as being too narrative.

News of another friends death reached me yesterday... Tom, part of my extended family, going back, erm, to the early '70's.

06 09 2022

 Feels like back to my early 20's - drawing, motif searching - in between times cleaning up which means things are surfacing, including the little motor I need to finish Dex's installation.   Painted out stuff, cleaned palette. Virtuous.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Bernard died this morning. 

++++++++++++++++++++

03 09 2022

Thats enough advanced grieving. 
 

01 09 2022

Going to leave this as is; it works for me. Below needs more. Can't shake this theme, any more than I can stop thinking about Bernard and his dying. He seems tranquil though, more tranquil about going than I am about his leaving.