31th May yet more

Just covering up that fact that its another shit day in the studio, that I have a heap of excuses, that perhaps this labyrinth is really closed off.
Curiously happy nonetheless.

31st May another go

Want to see some pictures in a different milieu so made another effort to get some on line. Photographing (natural studio light) cropping and tweaking and looking on screen is another way to see whats happening.  Had thought that once the pictures were up it was possible to click on them to make them bigger, but it seems that this is not so. So have made them as big as I can.
And now back to work and less excuse for evasion.

may 30th hahahahha

just spent an age downloading the many drawings of the last 2 days and the machine has junked them... OK they weren't that good:))
Bad enough having a voice in my head making constant judgements, now I have a computer with attitude. 

Had a full-on studio day, interrupted by sandwiches for lunch and dinner; coffee with Kat, who has been ill and is better; a visit from Simon, who needed coffee and a talk; a visit from Phillipe who advises that eating and drinking wine is an insult to wine. And never drink red with Roquefort, always white.
After some uneasy nights had decided not only to change bedrooms but houses. Accordingly will be sleeping by the studio for the foreseeable.

monday May 28th

Lala. Its no good refusing a >style< and then complaining about too much diversity. Its no use wanting to be perpetually original and complaining that its hard; that personal traditions anchor me. Of course most of the product will fail, be a failure, be of no use at all and will cost in terms of time and materials. Of course. And the alternatives are not real so why complain?
Just not sure I'm up to this. 
Been drawing this morning at the MJC, Chantal modelling. I've come a long way. I no longer want to kill the noisy ones, the disruptive ones, the lazy model. My concentration is getting better which is something. All of today's work will be washed off and the paper re-stretched. At least the paper is a pleasure. Keep getting side-tracked by the sensual pleasure of mark making  - grateful for that even if it does deflect from the unknown purpose.
Just this side of despair with an internal commentary that won't shut up.

may 22 Tuesday

Today was indeed another day and I did a yoga class in the morning. Did it last week and was dreadful; could do more this week as I get the hang of it and the old body relaxes. Nonetheless felt sick and was afraid I'd vomit. Began to feel like an attention seeker and forced myself to carry on but must have looked weird - sweaty and red, at a guess - and was told to rest. Fear that hanging on to badness is part of my stock-in-trade - why not just skip about and throw arms in air singing allelujia?
Still have bad headache.
All that aside when I did hit the studio it was much better. Took the expensive and delicious papers and hit them to some effect, I think. Not finished and not sure but at least one gives me huge pleasure and another two give me comfort, in that their rescue was a tour de force. Dated them for yesterday because the date was so well balanced.
Off to Toulouse tomorrow so now work, possibly not for a week as Bob is here. No need to panic. Will try and think what my aims actually are - other than filling my time -

21 V 12

Monday, so drawing.... woke desperate and not knowing anything. Decided to use really beautiful paper so if I couldn't respect my abilities I could at least respect the paper - hand made, heavy, glorious - even for the quickies I used a heavy Arches. Wanted Chinese ink and couldn't find any - have I finally used it all? - didn't want to have to grind any in the course of the session. Settled for a pot labeled 'walnut and gin 2010'. My own, obviously. It was OK, capable of delicate nuance but loaded with greasy flecks. Given the poverty of my work, scarcely relevant.Waste of Fabienne who is a very good model.
So, so - the only way to get through the two hours was to remind myself that the afternoon was mine and I could use the time to work on this beautiful paper and try and make these images work. That got me through the two hours, anyway.
By the afternoon, needed to sleep (bad night) By the time I got to the studio was even more hesitant and nervous than when I'd done the wretched things.
One looked good. Then I over-reached myself. 
Tomorrow might find a route.
At least the paper can take punishment, it is so willing to be abused.
All this, I think, is because yesterday for the first time I did the course of the Artistes a Suivre.  Normally I'm in it or I'm away, whatever, so Ive never actually gone out and visited the expos. Yesterday M offered to drive and we did at least half and maybe three-quarters of the course. Now its hard for me to know what is significant... I so enjoyed the company of M for 8 hours plus, having forgotten the profound pleasure of friendship and shared interests, and was beside myself with happiness. So I can't tell what was good art, what bad (though actually, yes I can -) or what mattered about the day.
But woke thinking how sad it all was. So many decent artists, so many man hours, so much endeavor and care and hope. Yet again forced to confront my own worth and yet again forced to find I've fallen short. And no point in any of it.
One artist whose work I liked in the catalogue seemed to be mirroring my endeavors so I could measure his successes and failures and in his large body of work found two successes, not very successful at that. And they were more successful than any of mine.

Spoke to Ursula at Carmen's launch on Thursday. She has given up art and taken to Tai Chi.  Shes older than me and after a lifetimes struggle has quit... says its better, says shes less nervous, says it is good not having to think about painting all the time.

In the despair this morning I decided to stop (not for the first time but the first time for a few years) Immediately my mind hissed, so what will you do? Other women manage houses and meals effectively. Other women write, criticism, stories, reportage. Poetry. Come to think of it, I do all this too though not very well, indeed not at all well.
Hey ho. I'm taking myself too seriously. Lets just press on; for if it doesn't matter, why not?

Friday 18th May

Couldn't start work till the afternoon but did carry on till 9.30 pm. Pointless, however. I suspect because in the morning I was shifting old paintings  (restructuring storage) hundreds of them done over many years, the first in 1965. There's nothing like a house full of redundant paintings to make on appreciate the futility of the further pursuits.
Fairly cheerful though. Couple of things I really don't like enough to give me something to work with.

tuesday may 15th 2012

Not so much a diary as an update- hardly been in studio but been drawing on Monday - to no effect - and thinking, ditto. Will be able to work all day tomorrow, I think. In the meantime, bought some glass plates that are photographic negatives, hauntingly spooky. Love this one. Perhaps useful for Charon pix?

Thurs 10th May

 Had an entire day yesterday, minus early breakfast, lunch and time out to make sandwiches for dinner. Worked till 11.00pm and have 2 pix that are new, based on the idea of  the boatman - the ferryman - Charon - that I like (so far) Finished some more little ones of the mythic anomaly type, rather pleased as they were getting formulaic and these aren't. Odd stroppy woman with tune on her head.
Was in despair when I started. Now feel quite perky. No possibility of work for several days, household stuff, Bob arriving tomorrow so will go to Toulouse, etc, maybe I can see an expo and certainly read a book or two.  Dante, probably.

8th May

Finished a few, not impressive - have taken some off the wall and may repaint - getting a feel for what works.
Been cleaning up. Not well - need a flamethrower. Will try harder tomorrow, if I can fight it all back I will have a fresher view and certainly a less muddy palette. Been looking at medieval grotesqueries and illuminated ms; slightly depressed by such marvellous labour and coded info.