Not exactly back in harness - came back from visiting Arles (Nimes, Lodeve) to a weekend with Bob here and lots to do - now Monday so got to drawing. Great pleasure. Fabienne modeling, shes very good; and a large group of committed artists, Gill, Jean-Noel, Olle-B., Julius, Margaret, Sabine, Didier etc. Results still crap. I took pencils and poor quality woodchip and there's no doubt in my mind that if I ever had a facility, I've murdered it. Which is good. Work like crazy to learn to draw and then forget all you know.
Drawing away thinking, why am I doing this? Are these notes for a painting? Its clear they are not an end in themselves. The process then, does it prepare me for something else? Sometimes I feel that different pencils have different needs, some have to have energy worked off them, some need coaxing and delicacy. Which may be taking anthropomorphism too far - I'm not doing it for the gratification of the equipment, please...
Been wondering whether to apply for a postgrad drawing course in England. I could use help and this particular trust specialize in drawing. They give bursaries. Tho a year in England might be too too horrid.
And they may not want me. They ask to see 10 drawings and 3 notebooks. My notebooks are a mess - shopping lists, poems, recipes, drawings, copies from galleries, half-witted doodlings - but there's time to do 'proper' notebooks, I guess. Thinking about failure (again) I realise I rather want to be evaluated. Who knows if I'm any good? Then I realised if they said I wasn't any good it would change nothing. What I really want is approval.
Like the notion of working towards something. Will probably try for it or at least will prepare the portfolio and books and see how I feel then.
Pressing on with the scroll. Its pretty dull at the moment. Just work.
In the meantime wrote a review of Theo van Rysselberghe at Lodeve (horrible) and been looking again at Durer, whom I love. Working on a version of Melancholia, in between scroll sessions.
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