Back in the studio - at last - did a bit of watercolouring in Ljubliana which saved my life - I really cant go for long periods without this proces, dunno why or what it means. Bit of drawing in London. Yesterday back at the life group in Esperaza; Fabienne modelling, good team, all well with the world. Very depressed by the drawing though, thought I'd learnt something but it seems I just flounder about and hope for the best and yesterday it wasnt good. Taking it slowly, calmly. Today shaped up two canvases to make a big one, intending to do the Leaping men or more probably Leaping Man, have thin-coated them with linseed on top of gesso.
Lost the morning talking on Skype to Toby C. - he was due here on Weds for a week but is too ill - very good to talk about the matters that we both enjoy, currently William Blake and matters esoteric.
Dispirited though. Sense of failure overwhelming. Looked at the videos that Richard will put on new site, of a private view in 1995 and an open studio in 96 - so much work, so seriously meant, so futile:) Wonder what I thought would happen?? Do I work in expectation of an outcome?
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