Tick tick ticking along... my 'Nature Diary', such a sweet simple idea, has turned into a barometer of external distress, sigh. The anxieties caused by trying to stay alive - in animals, birds, plants - are what I find interesting. I project the anxiety, I hope. Surely a carrot top is not isolated and alone and frightened.... nor cockerels other than managing their instincts.
Got some bad drawing done. Roosting cockerels. Might be salvageable, but only if I focus up and stop fiddling with other pictures, and going out to xmas parties. This may be the pattern for a few days.
Got into the studio this morning and again for a while in the afternoon, giving myself time to screw up another painting. Though secretly, I quite like it. It's better than it was. Photos as and when.
Started drawing fish too. Rather chancy business. delicate outline then lots of wax, invisible of course. Then pencil. Was hoping for a particular look - bit like the invisible ink drawings of childhood - but what I got was messed up unpredictable parts with 4B. Secretly rather like that too, though not at all what I meant.
Next stage needs a weak and tender pink. Marshmallow. Pastel, but I so hate pastel. (Chalk in the fingerprints, ugh)
Got some time in this morning. Disaster!! At least I've been able to legitimately ask Pete to continue sitting for me.
Otherwise, engaged in domestic stuff. German researchers arrive tonight to delve into my Papas stuff so have felt it necessary to clean and tidy up.
Got some drawing to do, too, though right now I should be hunting papers and photos and the rest.
Though after a sleep deprived night (=too much moonlight) I fancy going to sleep...
I'm using the scans of his veins in the background, a far-from-faithful reproduction but does the job.
The Nature Diary drawings progress - ha. the kingfisher! - already I'm taking them far more seriously than was my intention when it began. The best outcome is that I have to walk about and look at nature, or there is nothing to do. Though ambling about is also challenging.
Last night at twilight, coming back from the river at the bottom of Rue des Jardins, stopped in the Place de Republic to chat to Christin, a local poet. Suddenly something dropped over our heads, almost touching us, and fell to the ground by our feet. A big V shape, mottled, and something screaming.
Shocking. In retrospect it must have been a raptor taking a bird from the plane tree and getting it wrong - not killing it outright, hence the screams - the raptor obviously couldn't let it go but also couldn't fly with it struggling. It tried, short flights across the car park without gaining any height, presumably hoping to tire the little bird which wasn't giving up without a fight We chased it and it got up the side of the footbridge to the side of the riverbank where we couldn't follow.. So no idea who won.
Was served Quail at dinner later.
Too many metaphors.
Drawing a murmuration now, that's neurotic activity if anything is but I saw a splinter group chase off a falcon and found that exciting. Just seen a kingfisher too. Got Peter sitting first thing so that one can wait.
Which rather shows in this little oil, featuring two birds. Almost accidental.
...and trying to express the pain in hands and feet for my Before Death series (or whatever I called them, I forget) (!!)
Had a go at Petes portrait. Stupid, should wait for the sitting. Turned to wall now.
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Later; saw a dipper and trying to paint that now. And remembered my first ever notebook.
-My father had just written his first book and of course designed the cover. (Using my poster paints BTW) That was 1959. He'd been given a dummy book to fit the design to. After he'd done he gave me the book - hard-backed, blank pages. Bliss.
I started my Nature Diary. Trotted about drawing growing things and whatever, solemnly dating and noting.
Then the publishers - Wiley - wanted the book back. Why?? No idea. Stafford was upset but had to take it back from me.
Obvs still rankles. Time to have another go??
Enjoying using this beautiful paper, gifted by Bernard before his death. Imagine, dying with hand made rag printing paper in your studio, unused. Poor man. It behoves me to use it up. Bernard wouldn't like what I'm doing - I can hear his scorn - but tough.
Did a decent sitting with Peter Gregory yesterday, due for another next week - a joy - not prepared to post it yet in case I use up the goodness. As it were.
Want to sit and draw the very frequent visitor to the bird table, the nuthatch - actually there are two - but my hands are hurting after yesterdays exertions. Will put on mittens and have a go. Far better artists than me have managed to work with arthritis. And the new tremor will add a dimension. Sigh.
Maybe finished maybe not.
The photo has cut off significant content on the right - will resnap in the cold light of day.
No photos yet -
Pete, Clare, Ray, Diane came into the studio where the unfinished works live and I was OK with that so maybe they are nearly done.
And today I gave Marcus a quick tour of the more recent stuff in the gallery and felt comfortable with that.
Probably just means I trust my friends rather than the work.
Three war pix on the go, not yet fit for anything - and I'm only going to do these or I'II end up topping myself. What does peace mean, I ask myself... will move onto that topic asap.
I'm grateful to Roy for reminding me last night that this is not a Jewish conflict but a Zionist one. Can stop reading Jewish literature.
(Though interested to note in the Code of Jewish Law [Ganzfried-Goldin, Hebrew Publishing company NY, 1963] that one should not leave a book open or you will forget what you have read)
Found a nice Kitaj painting; a Jew fighting a Muslim. Choose which is which, he says.
Otherwise I've started on three small Gazza/Israeli conflict pieces. Have read the Pentateuch and the Jewish Code of conduct. The former makes it clear that the Jews as Gods chosen can kill anyone they like -or don't like, rather - and have a long history of genocide. The latter is less clear. In 4 volumes there is no mention of war but a deal about mourning. (And lots of other interesting things.)
These are going to be hard. Whenever I've worked on war before I've become suicidal. Will try and make them quick.
It's taken me till now - 10.00amish - to unpack and gesso (first coat 50/50) 6 little canvases, 60 x 50cms. Nice to feel a brush in hand again but I'm so frail!! Thought I was fine, imagined a great thing, but real life lingers.
Changed bedrooms so no longer sleeping next to studio - too cold -
Studio too clean. Embarrassed to make a mess. Wearing overalls so as not to get paint on my clothes, what??? Strange times.
Step by step.
I'm back - nothing useful cleaned from the UK but a couple of dreams that might come into play. Wont be going to work for a while though as my brother Matt is visiting for a week :)
Dearest Gracie has de-cobwebbed the studio and generally restored some order.
Its a bit daunting.
...studio tidy enough to be hoovered in my absence - (=asthma, dust)- off to blighty for a couple of weeks, various missions, hardly any pertaining to art -
Had to out of the studio to attend to taxes and shopping but managed to get in for enough time to ferk up current drawing. Dammit. Tomorrow clear.
Got up before dawn knowing what to do with the drawing I'm on and did it, went back to bed and now find its all good. Have to wait for drying and settling before finishing.
Next one ready to go.
Mystery portrait accepted, they like it. Will post when published. (?Feb)
Gods Walking now nearly finished and though smug still is an attractive painting, for such a depressing subject. Will finish today.
Which leaves the three unfinished pix I started the Gods Walking to avoid.
Photographed the mystery portrait and ready to send to commissioners; not sure it is a decent likeness but it's a decent painting.
BUT a nice thing - a really nice thing, for a change - when I happened to be pottering in the studio yesterday morning. As the sun rose it touched the Walking Gods pic and totally changed it. Took my breath away. It was what I was aiming for but hadn't known.
The wonderful iridescent paints I use have a life of their own.
Did some hasty turpsy brush notes on top - probably ruined the surface - so I'd remember what's to be done, since yesterday and (so far) most of today is domestix.
Extraordinary that a shaft of light can be a validation. Was on the brink of giving up as the thing had a smug sententiousness that was hateful and though that won't completely go it will get carried in other ways.
Safely through the covid - surprisingly well, the arthritis seems to have gone with it, is that normal? Perhaps a weeks bedrest is just a good thing. Slept none stop.
Second studio fairly clear now, been tidying and darting about all the unfinished pieces everywhere.
Made a serious mistake trying to glaze mystery portrait - used caput mortem instead of burnt sienna - how?? - the result looks like a bad case of sunburn. This painting is a catastrophe but i'm getting many lessons from it. Today, more oil and a phylocyanide glaze. And whats left of the caput mortem will hang nicely on the Gods Walking painting.
Off to Aix-en-Province to see the Max Ernst show - back Monday - public transport permitting, its bus and train all the way.
- back at work, nothing to show but brain cleared and stuff happening.
Baffling and difficult but normal!
Hot, like all of France - just under 40 - very restricting but manageable. Think the mystery portrait is finished, nearly anyway. I stab at it between times.
Otherwise all the art generated here is in my head.
Getting glib... but he and his mother leave today so thats OK. Against my better judgement, allowed Theophile into the studio - but he was into drawing, was focused and engaged and despite not enjoying being looked at (at first) I was able to use him as a model. We'll have another go today.
Having gardening leave. Tending my garden = tiding the study and reviewing the projects untouched for years.
All my thinking concerns either films, installations or sculptures. Revulsion from paint. Weird. In no hurry to do anything so allowing myself whatever is needful.
Sleepless night with only one conclusion for the Tree of Death and I don't like it nor want to do it.
-But I guess I will. I mean, nowhere else to take it now. Its ferked anyway so if this ferks it more, hardly matters.
Absolutely stuck - no idea of how to move on anything I'm working on. Given there is nothing looming, this scarcely matters though it drives me mad and the dreams are disturbing. Rather fancy spending a week or two in my study, doing whimsical reading (this after finding some texts that'll help come to grips with Wittgenstein) For no reason at all.
My new years resolution of suspending scepticism has been going badly as every time I pick up a daft book I want to through it across the room. Clearly, clearly, this area needs investigating. Oh dear god.
Air con in the studio!! Shockingly bad for the conscience but makes work much easier. May have finished mystery portrait, may have addressed the Tree of Death successfully. Maybe not - but being able to breathe and enjoy painting is most cheering
Lazy time; its hot. Not so hot, I've worked through worse - but rather depressed after the last and final show and apart from some fiddling with old work haven't done much.
Not so much painting as hiding in the studio.
Got some studio time in yesterday and used it to totally destroy the portrait whose deadline is looming.
Vernissage today; got a bunch of blinis and cream and faux caviar because I like them and I can be occupied assembling them in those awkward moments before the blanquette kicks in.
And this will be my last - keep telling myself that and I suppose its true.
Up with the chin,
The only studio work has been to turn the current picture to the wall.
Waiting now to hear from a journalist who interviewed me yesterday. I really liked her, we shared many ideas and sparked each other nicely.
Show up in Quillan, hard work, hardly worth it. Given that this is probably my last expo - no energy or inclination - its rather a shabby bit of art.
So was getting miserable when the news reached me of my brother Steves illness. He's in ICU with DKA. (Is it better with initials? ) Poor boy.
A nice dinner out has stopped me actually lying on the floor sobbing.
Bit frantic; hacking at portrait, fretting about site and show. Off on 4 day hol tomorrow rapidly followed by a fortnightish in the UK. Of course it will all get done, but only if I panic. Ha.
Nearly finished the portrait I'm working on - which is a surprise as part of a larger picture, hoho, so no images till another day.
Another Hommage done, nearly, and though lots LOTS learnt, think its for the shredder.
Got all the framing I'm doing to do, done. Have some notions about the Quillan show.
Didn't open on Sunday and rejoiced in my solitude :)
Moving paintings about, trying to reform website, done more framing.
Tomorrow going to Quillan to have another look at the gallery.
Got some charcoal, locally made, itching to go -
V pleasant day - only visitors happened to be visiting me anyway. Will not open tomorrow, not just because its cold and wet but because Bob and the family are leaving early morning and I'II be on my own on a market day; not comfortable with that.
Have eleven clear days!!!
People are being nice to me at the OFF which is most welcome.
Sold two - very flattered as I value Mike Hincs work as an artist and his trust in my stuff.
Terrible time to be doing this but when it goes well, its good.
Family arrive today for 10 days. They're pretty good at letting me work while they are here but obvs I can't totally ignore them. Nor, actually, do I want to. Then Bob leaves with them and I have a clear 10 days to finish up and get everything ready before I'm away. All do-able.
Grinding on... framing (got more frames coming, thanks to a local buy n sell group -) though no idea if they are hangable; and is the Tree of Death finished?? Well, no. Nearly though....more of the same, getting a sweet collection of framed things together and fiddling intermittently with the Tree of Death and Rauls pic. It's very warm and very pleasant in the studio. Which will need a good clean when I've finished all this.
Fiddling... and framing. Trying to get a selection of drawings together for the June show and since I'm away for most of June this all must be done now, in May, or not at all- its not the actual framing (charmingly gauche, is my stance) its sorting through the dust of a trillion drawings for things I can bear to see again. And fitting them to the available frames.
Really shouldn't go on about health here, its like a curse. Having pronounced myself well I've been laid up with a bug. All well, as these things go, but as these things go it's rather scary.
Slept for 48 hours and feel much much better.
Now too far behind on the domestic front, despite knowing what I'm doing (of a sudden) Can't see much getting done this week. But thinking clearly.
Bit of luck though. Since the screaming rat appeared in the Mauvais Cou I've been attentive to errors and opportunities, hence the lines and black marks over the mouth. Long story.... will write it up when I'm awake.
