Hit 40,000 yesterday and therefore on home stretch.
Had today off, on the grounds that I'm obsessing; brain on overtime, not healthy. Have tomorrow off too, radiology appointment, lunch out, shopping day in Carcassonne.
It's really hard to not be writing about Death!! Going to sit quietly and read about Tibet. Great book by David Snellgrove and apart from info about Buddhism, isn't touching on my subject.
Still not finished the last Nature diary drawing. Clearly unwilling to let go. Or possibly just too obsessed with the writing. It's as if a voice has arrived in my head demanding an outlet and it's clamouring to be attended to. Great fun anyway and I'm onto just short of 20 thou words. At which point there be twice as much to do again; then I can back to the studio.
It's far easier to write than to paint. My body isn't continually hammered, its quite comfy in the study and apart from intermittent back ache it takes far less of a toll of my energy.
And the subject is fascinating :)
Screwed up the last drawing, will try washing it... as and when, curiously busy with this and that. Domestic stuff mostly; and the book, of course, which expands and contracts like an iron lung as I come up with a new direction, cut a lot of the old.
Dreaming of painting, did a rather good one last night based on Japanese ghosts and medieval skeletons I think.
Been fiddling with the last two drawings but otherwise, easily distracted. New book soooo slow; every day the word count shrinks as I re-read and edit.
It's become something of a chore. Will perhaps reflect a little about what to do with 50 large drawings and whether anything has been learned.
Been away in Manosque, between Aix -en - P and Marseille.. Didn't get to see any galleries and had an asthma attack. Learnt lots, have several strong ideas.
Bobs family here which is very agreeable, constitutes time out. The Med yesterday, curiously devoid of life. Spotted one little fish. Some dead clams. No birds, no plants of interest. Sigh.
On the plus side, my book about death is growing apace!!!
Managing to get time to work - this entry probably counts as displacement therapy - yesterday was all mushrooms. It took rather more time to find them than to draw them, over three days. Results to follow, but dull. Shame really. Been out today and found wild mint and a tiny white thing I don't know the name of -
In the meantime, old chum and one-time collaborator Leo has died. Feeling bad I'm not going to the funeral but a couple of mates are going from Esperaza and that'll do, no-one will notice I'm not there. Will of course have a very private ceremony here.
Now the shape of what future is left is clear. Two local mates down with Parkinson's; others with various cancers; my own family in trouble. On the plus side, one brother is in remission.
The more stuff I generate the more trouble I make for my inheritors. Find it hard to take pleasure in this.
Jumpy with todays frustration; waited all morning for gas man to service boiler - and he did, whilst making me uneasy (=skin disease, eye problem etc. Unsmiling) He'd just driven away when I found a loose pipe dripping. Norbert came round. Tim too. Tim rang the company, twice, and splendidly lambasted them but I cant get it fixed till Monday and maybe not then.
So no 11 has no water, new tank being fitted; no 5 has no water, stop-cock problem; now no 9 is questionable. Put on water in Robins house, will use that (after I've cleaned the bath -)
Tim rang Saur and managed to get them round to deal with stop-cock. They are coming back next week.
Bob drove me to collect pix from Quillan - really really really depressing. No more shows now. Possibly no more painting. Though anxious to continue the drawings;Allenna here till Weds and Bob goes then too, so I get a few days free. Having fun with Allenna.
Got collected by nice man Vincent, sent by the Rotary Club to get some paintings off me for their exhibition. Badly hung in a gym in Quillan, exhausting and really really depressing.
Nice people and one can't fault their ambition -
Holidays continue, self-consciously loafing. Took in the Max Jacob at Ceret, very taken with his astrological readings and their strange beauty.
Waiting for the gas man.
Bob in the UK so sheet washing and drying and ironing devolve to me. ALL visitors gone! Several empty houses, one of which I have relocated to, so it feels like a holiday.
All garden produce has to be cleaned, chopped, preserved.
So that was yesterday (very first world probs) and today is the gas man.
Was going to persevere with Hobbes, Lock and that lot but found a nice Graham Greene... this is my holiday.
spent forever on this portrait - now realise it doesn't look like Raul and anyway its horrible.
really, ugh... if it wasn't part of a (long) series I wouldn't bovver. 
No longer sure what counts as 'work' in a work diary... but busy, for sure. Nearly finished chapter 2 of my Big Girls Guide to Death book :) Enjoying it far too much. OOO Spinoza!! But not so keen on some of the other enlightenment geezers.
And taking notes for a couple of drawings which I must finish before the month is out.
Another switch has been flipped in me and I'm drawing again, with pleasure; plotting a painting or two also. Maybe the writing has got too difficult! (Possible)
Trying to work out what has happened.
Had a shock on Saturday. No big deal, but a shock. En route to meet Richard for weekend at theirs, done the shopping but I went back into store to get something Id forgotten - and forgetting I had Bobs shopping in my bag. Triggered alarm, bladyblah, easy - rang Bob to come from car with his receipt. That was that. But it took a while and I encountered amazing hostility, which I'm unused to. Can that sort of identity thing make a difference? The queue behind me watching as I'm accused of badness?? (I mean, really - if I was stealing something would I leave the marker on it and go through the till? Never had to think about it but no, I wouldn't) (I tend not to steal though if I had to, probably would -)
Had a relaxing time, swam, drank a lot, ate well - that's probably the difference - and its early days, I may just be missing drawing and bored with research.
My lack of self-awareness continues to surprise. I moved onto paper- based work, thinking it was a digital project; now I'm obsessed, mildly, with writing.
All this on realising I will never exhibit paintings again. Having the type of ego that requires a platform, it all makes sense.
Something rather humiliating about it though. Not self-sufficient, by any stretch...
Nature diary got enough entries for July so have turned with enthusiasm to writing my long-promised book. So enjoying it!! Hard though, and word count tragic. I'II be dead before its finished; ironically. Touching up latest painting cautiously in passing.
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Early morning vision of a squirrel.
Coming to grips, a tiny tiny tiny bit, with the Gaza picture.
baby redstart, flew into studio and too clueless to get out. But then he did so this may stay unfinished
Having cancelled my autumn tour - Oxford residency, German conference - I'm focusing more. Got myself out of going by hearing Stafford say, profit from my mistakes; since all he ever wanted was to 'stay put' [ listed as his hobby on Whos Who] I can get that.
But what else? What were his mistakes?
There are two more guests here but so far not too disruptive. Friends of friends. Next to arrive is Bobs family and we like them.
The trouble is, I work from home and I don't have a protective team.
Have decided - and announced- I wont be taking up the Oxford residency, nor going to the conference in Berlin. Terribly miserable about it. Feels like acknowledging my life is over...
Spent my birthday, yesterday, making sandwiches - which was a great pleasure, calming and engaging. Had a v long bath and then a party. Which went well, Bob hosting and caring for the guests and musicians, while I sat behind a gate with Jamsie steadily drinking. Nice.
Woke up today to a change of game in the UK - Tories out, uncertain ones in - and a letter asking to use my portrait for the cover of a feschgrifft which should probably remain unnamed as it might be a surprise to the honoured one. Pleased and surprised. Did it even look like him??
Frazzled and unable to work; too many people, too much to do. Actually I'm much calmer than I was, realise that I cant expect to do much now for weeks as more people arrive and stuff has to be addressed. Instead, I can think and garner ideas. Breathe in, breathe out.
Got photos of June's pictures so that's done. But photos lost in virtual world. Moth, Frog, Fruit. Darting marks at a dead mouse as I pass...
fabulous frogs, bewitching - cant draw them at all! Enamelling only route and Im not starting that. Fiddling with watercolour as I go...
Totally lazy morning since yesterdays work is so dull. Followed by a lazy afternoon, on the terrace in the sun reading Berlioz's Memories. Poor man. Though enjoy his irascibility.
So spent the day cleaning up, pottering with half baked unfinished bits, wondering what I'd save if push comes to shove.
Rather floating on the euphoria of painkillers.
Have to trust what I know of the process.
creaking along here.
Bought standard 300gm watercolour paper - 30 sheets - at 1.50 e per sheet. Not ideal but at least cheap. Feel compromised by choice, dosh, circumstances. Wrong decisions, poor project.
Yuri gone, Bob kindly took him to the airport which is why I could get to buy paper. Miss his erudition and kindness.
Three days clear before a young niece of Bobs moves in with us for a month. Charming child, of course, though I'm slightly concerned that I'II end up baby-sitting; no idea how capable she is. Bob is pushing off to England for some of her visit.
Ridiculous.
Think I'II just change paper and finish up differently. Since I envisage the end product as photographed then size and texture are academic (---) except its all quite different.
Bernard would unhesitatingly buy more. For sure.
Sleeplessness, arthritis and angst dog me. New oven being fitted by non-professionals. Hoping and not-hoping it'll finish me off.
And here a hoopoe from Belpeche. Stumbled into the entire town mourning the death of an infant, a child, driven into a plane tree by her grandmothers loss of car control. Never been around communal grief before, silent and profound. The hoopoe flew into that. Then we scattered the ashes of Diane at Pech-Luna, where the hare appeared.
Montpellier a blast - though lost a day en route attending another death ceremony, for Diana at Pech Luna.
Spent a day in Musee Fabre. Recharged, back at the easel now. Drawing too. Useful break.
Made such a pigs' ear of the cat and blue tit that I'm actually going to have to junk it - and that took all day. Such precious paper! Will turn it over and have another go.
BUT I'm away now - bus to Limoux, collection by old mates, night in Belpeche; tomorrow train to Montpelier for 2 days questing art.
Will carry totemic drawing book.
Finished - the river in spate - which has taken a couple of weeks, adding tiny strokes as and when. Looks like it was bashed off in moments. At least, I hope so! Spate is a sudden and dramatic thing. Pleased with it.
Shaking from suppressed ideas. Or more probably from a pain au raison and strong coffee (bad night)
Extraordinary coming together of packing materials, painting and transport. I asked for help via Facebook, and got it! Two nice big packages, nice fit for the pic,; and Cen and Annette are going north Wales-ward tomorrow, through Shrewsbury which the buyer lives. Did I say?? Can't remember... sold The Dragon Killing St George , 100 x 100 so a challenge to pack and move.
Completely delighted, a welcome hug of encouragement.
Day off yesterday!! Cabin fever been an issue, despite the space and light. Bunked off to Perpignan, 7.50 bus to Quillan, 8.20 bus to Perpignan. Two hours through the mountains, across the plane... worth it for the trip. Stumbled into the Centre d'art contemporain, (from now till the end of the month open Tues to Sun, 11.00 - 17.30) and the work of Sylvie Dubal , 1937 - 2021. Felt an immediate affinity.
She draws with fine pencil, carefully, lots of birds; she incorporates herself, reminding me of the cybernetic dictum that the observer is part of the picture.
Plan to introduce myself into the nature diary drawings. Of course the artist is implicit but I want me to be explicit.
Expo up and, as they say, mixed.
Turns out there was no actual physical space for me or Catherine to show or work. Not especially bovvered, I prepared to exit. Then I was given some tables, a sort of cube of them, 4 standing back to back. Quite intriguing - also impossible to use for hanging my stuff on.
Went to my stock and found a load of framed drawings left over from another show (Quillan), plus an accompanying catalogue left over from another show (Deptford); flattened the tables and bunged out the frames. Ditto for Katherines small paintings - she was away and I was in loco p for the work.
The poor and desperate woman who has instigated and is organising the thing found two spaces for two paintings either side of the stage, looks OK, and Katherine has made it back (Florida to Esperaza by public transport) and likes it all.
Only got to do the guest bedrooms for the funeral mourners, ETA Sunday, and do the work undone for Cybersoc now... Oh and attend the mayors opening at 4.00 today.
Been resting, I suppose; not doing much anyway. What I was working on was boring me.
Got a couple of notions and was about to resume, when Phil, bother-in-law, died. Feel obscurely guilty since I'd been working on death; did the webinar about the afterlife (rather well, I thought, though no one else seemed to like it -) and was considering the Kiss of Death as a motif.
Now tied up with the funeral and arrival of family.
And today starts the Artists a reconotrer - just about to start the hanging, for me and Katherine who is not back from Florida yet. Actually appreciate the distraction and Ive been given someone to help me -
I've finished making notes for my talk on death; I'm about to start on the tax returns.
Got to paint a banner for the art show, held over the ascension in the MJC.
Cleaned some brushes.
Its a full life.
managed some exercise this morning, glory - been too crippled since moving next to studio and exercise machine to have a go. Not sure if its worth it, if one should lie down and accept the inevitable, but I doo feel somewhat friskier.
Working on larvae in the Aude now.
