30th dec monday

bad and disorientating dreams; wrote this on waking, late -

The falling blood fragmented into rubies then morphed to lumps of dull plastic, reddish-blue

He drew on the crystal of my shattered chandelier

over my shoulder, he drew in thin indigo a bicycle with wheels of webs

then a hearse with hollow wheels.

hey ho, just the state to go drawing in. Then the model (s) (Atmo and/or Ceri) were late. Aileen went to see if they were coming and they were in the shower together so she stripped off and posed till Atmo turned up. Tired, bad dreams, slightly panicky disorientation. Haven't looked at the work yet.

Got back from drawing to various domestic panics and then Ryan with the news that his father had died this morning. The wretched painting playing in my head like a developing photo.

28th dec later

grinding on - and have started next, the double canvas london pic. knackered.

sat 28 dec 2013

still looks rough but on course now, l feel -


happy that Im getting so much done despite having xmas stuff and Bob around. Hes really making an effort to  free up my time and not to interrupt.

and yesterday on a whim I bought a scratch card and won 500 euros, five winning numbers of 100 each. This represents a deal of paint:)
 

27th dec 2013 friday

bloody awful picture despite many hours of putting on and taking off paint.
I was trying to describe and understand a time when I was turned into a lion in the face of becoming an accident of medical happenstance - falling into the hands of doctors, who told me things I didn't know about my body.
Sitting on a bus by the hospital surrounded by people in a similar, rather hyper-real, state. The autumn air very clear.

 Next I dream the renaissance lion.

Find now that I have muzzled a beast with a hand ringed with a wedding ring and a wrist tied by time.

The is no lion-ness there except perhaps the  resignation of an animal unsure what to do. But there is an intelligence that belies that.

Bloody silly picture. Its the '70's haircut that's so horrible! Very tempted to take out the bus - isn't working pictorially, makes the whole too chalky - and use the curves to make an italian faux renaissance setting.The only thing I have liked in two days of work is the shift of the shoulders. May be able to build on that.

23rd Dec, Monday 2013

Xmas is intruding so not a lot of painting getting done - though some - today was drawing with something  akin to a hangover. Was concentrating on not making a noise and by accident found l was moving charcoal under my finger very softly so that the marks l was making seemed to come directly from my fingertip. Fostering this notion l tried using oil pastels - not so good as too sticky - then tried to draw entirely from touch, sticky, smooth and slidey with graphite. Actually really hard when it got self-conscious, the temptation to press and darken for the sake of it was very forceful.
For one drawing picked up a pencil and drew - it was like being let out of school, joyful in the extreme -

Hard work. Felt all the time that something just out of reach was coming to greet me.
It didn't.

Marie was modeling and before the others arrived she started talking about the difference between eroticism and sexuality. Complicated and in french - Roger arrived and introduced Bataille into the debate so Thanatos and Eros conveniently rounded off the issues though there are things there I want to pursue. Not now. Off to clean up after last nights' party.

16th dec monday

Woke from a dream of the lion, very clear - knew what was wrong with the picture and have totally screwed it:) Now realise that a. I don't know what lions look like and b. my dream was the renaissance lion, the lion of the Medici and very stylized.
Off to search for pictures of lions. No of none other than the Kokoscka postcard on my wall, which has  a human face. Did he think he was a lion, I wonder?

 Later, found this on he web - its cut to loose the body, sadly. OK called it a Tigerlion.Can't find any images of lions that are useful to me, shall stick with whats in my head. Have painted in favorite cardigan (gift if Jacqui) and green top both of which I was wearing at the moment of transformation, or at the time of acknowledgement of transformation. Really need to finish soon, Bob arrives wednesday and household stuff tomorrow morning. Afternoon should do it so no pressure then...

Mornings drawing went wellish, Atmo again. I was up and working early so already tired when I got to the group though made time for a coffee first, in the cafe with OB and Aileen, also Mike. Was shocked by the sound of my voice - been alone a long time, it seemed so loud!
Tried to summon as much ignorance as I could and used charcoal to be messy and inaccurate with. HATED the scratchiness - had to keep stopping, too loud, too loud. Result mixed. Like the  medium.

sunday 15th dec

ho hum. Painted in the hospital but need to think about that. Put in wedding ring and watch. Now must clothe the beast but cant think what in.Would like a reference to a bus also - was on the bus when I realised I'd become lion. Good fun though, enjoying it except that Im working standing at the easel and looking up and have the horrific neck pains and headaches that come with that pose.Creaking like a very old ship.
Tomorrow drawing, then can crack on. Just needs attention.