22 May Thurs

Spent yesterday avoiding the studio and telling myself that the thinking needed tuning as I hung around... discovered that the linseed isn't dry, hung around some more... did some preparatory drawing, looked through old studies.... eventually before going out for the evening hit the oily canvases with charcoal which is rather good fun as it gets agreeably smeary.
Discovered, at any rate, what I do NOT want -
Today is running around, Thursday rituals of shopping, cleaning and leaning French, plus I'm out to lunch. So I have no expectations except that the image is getting resolved at some level.

20th may 2014 tuesday

Back in the studio - at last - did a bit of watercolouring in Ljubliana which saved my life - I really cant go for long periods without this proces, dunno why or what it means. Bit of drawing in London. Yesterday back at the life group in Esperaza; Fabienne modelling, good team, all well with the world. Very depressed by the drawing though, thought I'd learnt something but it seems I just flounder about  and hope for the best and yesterday it wasnt good. Taking it slowly, calmly. Today shaped up two canvases to make a big one, intending to do the Leaping men or more probably Leaping Man, have thin-coated them with linseed on top of gesso.
Lost the morning talking on Skype to Toby C. - he was due here on Weds for a week but is too ill - very good to talk about the matters that we both enjoy, currently William Blake and matters esoteric.
Dispirited though. Sense of failure overwhelming. Looked at the videos that Richard will put on new site, of a private view in 1995 and an open studio in  96 - so much work, so seriously meant, so futile:) Wonder what I thought would happen??  Do I work in expectation of an outcome?

8th may 2014, Thursday

Been like an irritable zombie for an age - until, in fact, I bought a little pan of watercolours and some small pads of paper and knocked out some landscapes in Bled. No idea what I was doing - landscapes? Do I do landscapes? - but the hunger to act was desperate. No idea if they're any good but quite like them. And very much liked the change in me.
So today being in London I joined Peter Clossick to do some life drawing, took same kit (all I have) and it was catastrophic and Im an irritable zombie again :(
Model was called Robin; very good, an actor who understood poses. I think it was his confidence and assuredness that threw me. That and the others in Peters group who were without exception competent and in some cases bloody great. I reverted to childhood, did little messy things. Quite enjoyed it but fear I have cheated myself. On the other hand Im very tierd and not sure I have the energy for anything - breathing bad,fighting the lassitude is difficult.
Right now Im supposed to go to a gallery for a show of Peters - much like last night. Last night was at the Mall galleries and I was too shagged after getting in from Ljubliana. Think tonight is much the same though Im going to try to make the effort, silly not to. Have to get to Woolwich to buy some food so I'II see how I am when I gat there - plus there are those waiting for me in a pub -

26th April Sat 2014

The terror firmly in place - can hardly breathe. Fortunately had a singing lesson yesterday which got me through a bunch of gasping and taught me more techniques for managing. Ridiculous.
I'm not that insecure about the work, just looked at the photos and its respectable enough. The terror arises from that horror of being forced centre stage and shot at. Though no one gives a flying and anyway, who'd bother to attack?
-Aint rational though. Memory of having to take Kitaj's hand to bring him from the gallery office into the fray, he was so scared. Poor old boy. Assailed by many sad memories. 

19th April 2014 Sat

Spent yesterday making posters for my show - cutting up old catalogues, sticking down images, writing in ink around the image- they look like a poor 6th form project and today I think I may not put them up. Not that it matters; Im approaching the people I want to come. I suppose the hope is that a passing stranger may find 6th form projects irresistable. Sigh.
In brief, the terror begins... The Terror is what Peter Clossick calls the solo show experience. Its not rational.
Absolutely no work being done though Im cleaning the studio in patches, going through old drawings, trying to find out where I am. 

08 04 2014 Tuesday

Finally; a day in the studio:) Late start, early finish, long lunch and a coffee break but back in the space and generally trying to get it workable again. Half finished bits everywhere, messy.
Yesterdays drawing OK too, new model - Hugue - nice shape, not afraid to use it expressively, capable of holding a pose. Liked all my drawings. Think I really have turned a corner with drawing. Went out on Sunday to do some landscape and was pleased with those too.
Dont see them as an end in themselves though and uncertain where to take them. For the moment Im content to be relatively happy. After all those wasted years, doing the same stuff over and over, its a relief to feel Im coming to life.

4th april 2014 friday

Health recovered tho asthmaticy, whatever ailed me last year is back. Gasp gasp.
Not been in studio but have hung show - well enough, thanks to R and A and the staff at the Casino who all had rather good ideas.
Have printed invites and am hand-writing them.
Have facebooked invites. Will email others and hand deliver locally.
No drawing, no painting, no fun. Sigh.