4th sept weds

Bob has driven the carefully packed paintings to London, including those that have sold in advance. Get that, eh... A couple from the brochure, five from internet. Many people say they are coming to the private view.  Its quite hard to be negative in the face of all this but naturally I'm terrified and see much horror ensuing.
Have written the notes on the making of some of the big ones, inc supporting drawing - daft and pointless - but done, as requested by gallery.
Oh, Galleries( the listing magazine) have put a photo ad on the contents page which  couldn't be better. Good.

So. Today I laminate the notes so they can be laid on a table or blu-tacked to a wall. Have hoovered studio:) Well, half of it. Can't bear to go in the half that has unfinished work everywhere.

Little packing to do, off on Friday. Back ASAP.

July 24th, Weds

Not as ill but not well. Profoundly depressed. Wondering if this whole asthma thing is a response to an exhibition I don't feel ready for.
-but done the invitations, they are ready to be sent out; early to catch the cheap postage rate.
Doing the notes for the paintings which the gallery want done, hence the depression no doubt. They look so simple, so always just sitting there. WHY did I have to do them, work so obsessively on them? No-one is interested. Its actually not interesting. Not the product, not the process.

Hey ho. Walked this morning, first exercise for ages, wasn't bad. Think I'II do some more. Dizzy and tired but breathing OK.

July 20th Sat 2013

--Not dead! Just feels like it. Asthma (=pollen allergy) has reared its ugly head in my life, hotly pursued by the side-effects of steroids. No work done at all. Just concentrating on trying to recover what I remember of myself. Its like being possessed  by something/one else. Gradually recovering, can eat again after loosing 5 kilos. Have learned to breathe again. Have accepted the lack of energy and embrace sleep as often as possible. 
Gutted to discover that two of my brothers are full-on asthmatic and have had to deal with this regime all their lives. No idea what they were going through. Sooooo sad for them. Emotional  and tearful anyway.

2 June Sat 2013

Been back from London about a week - been in studio but trying not to engage since there is a lot demanding my attention for the show of Septemeber in Greenwich.
Apart from trying to update my archaic guest list there is the advertising and listings, posters, explicatory texts hahaha, power point presentation for the gallery (are they serious??) stuff to arrange about the gallery talks and invitations to design with gallery talk info. All of it makes my heart sink further.
Oh - and price list. I asked Min how she priced her work and she does costs and 400 percent, which is what a restaurant does. Rather clever. It means your overheads are ignored, your training and time, but its a formula that is consistent and actually makes the work affordable without being giveaway. Maybe I can take the number of paintings a year and divide into overheads to get an idea of the real cost, throw that in - overheads being elec., gas and rates on studio. No rent. No mortgage. Shouldn't be too bad.

Off to explicatory texts now. I'm not even sure what I'm showing till its hung so will have to do a sack full.

As soon as I sit in front of the computer my eyes hurt.

weds 5th June 2013

In a rare attack of sensibleness, I have been eating properly and taking brief brisk walks; talking to myself seriously about how this is only painting, nobody cares about painting; my next show is the 100th plus and will make no difference to anything. Stop panic, breath properly, calm down, just paint the damn thing.

Its quite a funny picture too, time to enjoy its final stages.

4th June 2012 Tuesday

Drawing yesterday a nighmare. Not a good few days in general. Painting turned to wall, back to the ex-Thetis Carrying Armour to Achilles. Today determined to finish something. Yesterday too frightened to set foot in studio because I knew I'd destroy the lot.
Can't work out what went wrong. The model was Marie and she is very ill, shes got hepatitis C; shes gaunt and bony and yesterday seemed to be in pain. Next to me was Kat, just had her gall bladder out and not herself. I felt like a despair antennae. Picked up nothing but anguish and couldn't work with it or make it better. Don't know how I survived the day.
Once again, on the brink of giving it all up.

Later; went through the drawings again and today they look no worse - and no better- than normal. Think I'd just been hoping for more, expecting a leap that didn't arrive. Its all so frustrating! This morning been on the ex-Thetis and its better, much better, not finished but showing a direction. I like the surface scaring from when I scraped it all last week.  Can work into that. Trying to be patient with it is the hard bit, its not going to give me anything unless I coax it and I want to slap it around and make it behave... better take a break, rest the eyes, go back gentler.

June 1st Saturday

 Guests arrived yesterday and are very sweet in leaving me to carry on while they sight see... so a full day yesterday, many changes. Bit like those spot-the-difference competitions of ones youth.

Horribly chalky but nearly there I think. Guests are off to Carcassonne today so I get another clear run. Off I go to the studio.