Early start so rather than get caught up with painting spent some time on the Ripley Scroll -http://ripleyscroll.blogspot.fr/ - thought it would be good to do an hours drawing before going to draw the nude (Fabienne today). How wrong can you be. Control of brush and pencil evaded me and the opportunity to snatch at mistakes was hard because I was tired and truth to tell, rather bewildered. What am I doing? The things are neither pleasing nor useful nor saleable nor good practice. Been looking through old work lately, portfolios and drawing books - a lifetimes endeavor and the end product -at the end of today anyway - is a bunch of rather kitch painting. Think that's the word but I do hope it isn't.
Lawrenz, in his amazing Art and the Platonic Matrix, devotes a lot of pages to kitsch. It doesn't, can't occur, when ''the search for meaning outweighs the desire for pleasure' . This pin points rather too exactly my failure. I'm painting, painting, because its a verb; trying not to intellectualise what I'm doing; enjoying it hugely (my days have been a delight).
My father always said I thought too much. It annoyed me greatly; never heard him tell his sons that. He regarded my talent as instinctual - like, females are Other. Dear god, perhaps we are...
Writing this I realise in fact its cyclical. This is a painting-for-pleasure phase, I will stop at some point, understand whats happening and kick it all into shape.
---You have to hang onto some sort of belief, despite the evidence.
Anyway, drawing was rubbish and I regret not trying harder. With less material and more focus. Used ink, pencils, watercolours - just opportunities for making a mess and fudging errors. In the studio was again determined to finish Circe who was nice and dry for a last assault. Yeah, repainted the damn thing. Now have to sit and look at it again, all over again - but its better than it was.
Got three littles on the go, of Ensor-like Carnivalists except nothing like Ensor, just wearing masks. Trite but not without their own challenges.
Got some of the physical signs of an attack of uncertainty, depression and inadequacy. The emotions aren't there yet but they loom, as do the strange pains, the weird cramps (tension?) the loitering headaches, the bizarre dreams. Ah me. Wonder what comes first? I mean, the emotion or the pains.Will go back to kitsch and fend off anxiety as long as possible. Decent meal called for.
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