Dec 24th Monday

Hideously long time since l have set foot in the studio. Laid up with a cold, picked up in the Nice train I think - only this morning I found I can breathe again, so not far off 10 days. Unpleasant drowning feeling. But better now.
Now, however, is christmas...

The show went well, people were nice, got some press that was decent (as opposed to perfunctory) sold some old food pix and covered costs with a little profit. Unless you count time and materials but that way lies madness...
The household empties on Jan 3rd. Then to work. Time to think and read and dream now.

Here's two of the interviews...

Le "Bestiaire" de Vanilla Beer à l'office de tourisme

Le 21 décembre à 6h00 par N. vdB.

PHOTO/N. vdB.

La Haute-Vallée de l'Aude est un vivier intarissable d'artistes. Peintres, sculpteurs, plasticiens en tous genres y sont nés ou s'y sont installés depuis belle lurette. Vanilla Beer, artiste peintre britannique professionnelle, s'est installée à Espéraza il y a une douzaine d'années. Elle expose régulièrement ses toiles dans le département et jouit d'une certaine notoriété pour ses peintures à l'huile, souvent sur le thème de la nourriture. Elle est d'ailleurs l'auteur du livre Prenez, Mangez et Vivez, paru en 2006. Elle présente ses dernières créations jusqu'au 31 décembre à l'office de tourisme Aude-en-Pyrénées dans le cadre de son exposition intitulée "Bestaire". La dernière lubie de l'artiste, comme l'indique le nom de son exposition, gravite autour de la bête : qu'elle soit animale, humaine ou mythologique.

Provoquer l'accident pour mieux créer

Professeur des beaux-arts dans plusieurs grandes écoles de la capitale du Royaume-Uni, Vanilla Beer a notamment enseigné à la célèbre "Greenwich university". Cette artiste professionnelle y retourne encore, à l'occasion, pour donner des conférences. "Mais j'ai quitté Londres. C'est une ville extraordinaire quand vous êtes jeunes, après on recherche plutôt la tranquillité", explique l'artiste. D'où son arrivée dans la Haute-Vallée, à Espéraza, où elle se plaît. "Je n'ai pas de permis de conduire. Il y a une gare, des commerces aux alentours et mon atelier. Et j'adorais la France ! C'était exactement ce dont j'avais besoin". Quarante ans se sont écoulés déjà depuis ses débuts de peintre à Paris. Pour s'éloigner et chasser la routine, Vanilla provoque un accident pour mieux créer. "Quand je commence une œuvre, je pars d'un modèle. Je peux me couvrir les yeux ou commencer à dessiner avec une main pleine de stylos, ensuite je cherche à rattraper le diktat de l'esthétique", précise-t-elle. S'inspirant beaucoup des questions des humains, de la mythologie et de la nature, Vanilla Beer a encore de beaux et grands projets devant elle. L'artiste explore à présent le thème de la bête, animale, humaine ou mythologique. 

 

 

Quillan. Le bestiaire de Vanilla Beer en expo

Le bestiaire de Vanilla Beer en exergue à l'office de tourisme./Photo DDM BB

Jusqu'au 31 décembre, l'artiste peintre Vanilla Beer expose ses nouvelles toiles à l'office de tourisme Aude en Pyrénées. Originaire de Londres, Vanilla Beer habite la cité chapelière d'Espéraza depuis deux ans : «J'ai déjà fait de nombreuses expos dans la haute vallée de l'Aude dont une à Quillan ! Je suis professeur à l'université des beaux-arts en Angleterre et la peinture est mon dada», précise l'artiste. L'expo de Vanilla Beer, appelée «Bestiaire», interloque sur son thème tiré de mythes et légendes confondus avec les rêves de l'artiste. «Depuis toute petite, je fais des dessins et, selon mon humeur, je change de style. Au bout d'un moment, des visions apparaissent que je rapporte sur la toile». Le résultat est étonnant et plusieurs histoires narratives se superposent sur chaque tableau que le visiteur interprète à sa façon. Un nu où le dos découvert fait apparaître un visage plus qu'inquiétant, un corbeau qui voisine lugubrement avec un beau décor… Des anciennes toiles sont également exposées avec les nouvelles «Fruits et légumes accompagnés d'une petite blague qui vous feront rire ou réfléchir». Une visite s'impose mais le mystère demeurera !
La Dépêche du Midi

 

dec 15th sat

 Stolen day… thought Bob was arriving today but its tomorrow, I’m ready for hanging the show on Monday, the invites are out and nothing I can do now will make any difference.

Phew. So a days painting

Its been a while… was in Nice and its environs’ being helped to an expo by old mate Molly, in company of Per  Dahlberg; we will show together with Keith someone whom I apparently know but haven’t met for 30 years. Scheduled for May, 1^st to 14^th, in a village called something like Callion in the chapel of the White Penitents’ which is lovely. Going to be difficult to get the work there and possibly not worth the effort but Molly thinks she can pull the yachting rich.

Camera broke whilst there. No images of anything, miss it.

Been close to finishing the Circe picture. While I was away realized that the pinkness of her didn’t work so have knocked her back with translucent terre rouge and raw umber. Better. Love these new Pebeo paints; completely new experience as nothing is predictable when you mix them. Some lovely, lovely muted poetic pastels arriving from surprising components.  Changed the falcon so it looks less like a grubby dove, changed Circe’s wiggy hair, changed her face. Faces such a problem, she’s supposed to be beautiful but she persists in being pretty. Worse, cute. Put grapes in her bowl – after all she mixed her herbs with wine. And it then fits the theme for the Toques et Cloches next year as it wont be dry for Monday, nor indeed will there be room for it in the Quillan space.

sun dec 9th

Work in progress. I know, dreadful - head too big -lots of work needed and Im off to Nice tomorrow. It'll still be there when I get back. Did some research (ie Googling)  and it turns out that Circe had flaxen hair in braids, according to the Odyssey chapter 10; also most beautiful of the goddesses. Plus, her name is pronounced Ker'Ker which is the sound the falcon makes so bunged one in for luck. Distributed posters for the expo and now have to do the email; sent some drawings to Robin; now pack, Nice tomorrow, have I mentioned that? On a mission to Nice... .

December 04 2012 Tuesday

Spent yesterday working, first day for a week due to disruptions; how does one ever manage to paint. Christmas is looming, cards unsent, presents unbought. Bah.
Drawing though, what a little anchor that is turning out to be. Yesterdays model was Natalie, the dancer - slim and sinuous. Drew quick ones into drawing book, rest on heavy watercolour paper. Was especially alert to decoration, its uses and abuses. Natalie is pretty and it would be easy to just tip into pleasing stuff. Resisted - either heavily patterned and so escaped being pretty, or minimalised. Some worked, can be used.
Thence to laminate the exhibition invitations and to finish the posters. Must address all that on Friday, ask Andree to help press release on Thursday. Today and tomorrow are mine - except for the lunch tomorrow and the visit to a sick friend in the morning. Heh ho.
Hardly slept last night but feel ok on it. Will move to sur-studio bed tonight so if I cant sleep I can at least get easily to work, no one near to disturb. Getting my head around Circe - structure wrong, need to re-build figure.

Weds 28 Nov 2012

Started work a little late yesterday, unsettled by the proximity of my American guests.
They left last night but spent the day packing and cleaning and I was aware of them and their emotions (they leave their child here to an uncertain life -) Remembered my family and what it was to live in a miasma of love. Their presence has made me miss my father even more and maybe be a little kinder towards my mother. Stopping myself phoning my brothers and being sentimental.

Most of the day spent fiddling with Mondays drawings, determined to achieve that state of otherness when it takes off on its own - but tweaking is tweaking and that'll never happen. Don't think any are useful.

Between times ran at the long thin picture of a sanglier, a cat and a Janus. Not really a Janus, just two-faced; male and female; just a plastic decision, as is all the painting. Back to thinking that painting is a verb, stop thinking about it, get on and do it. Commentary ain't my metier.

Quite liked it when I stopped at 6.00pm, haven't been to the studio this morning so don't know how it is really. Pouring with rain, light awful. Probably devote the day to the Ripley scroll, which hasn't had attention for a time.

 Later; finished a Ripley scroll panel and turned to the picture below, which got some work. Was dealing with the negative spaces which don't work too well in the centre and in the process added a line of yellow to the cats eye. A shock of joy resulted; overwhelming, total, blissful. So I stopped. So did the pleasure but it existed and I remember - like some of the painting and not other bits but there it stays. Back to Circe now or at least after lunch.

 

Nov 26th Monday

Drawing, it being Monday; Ceri modelling. Haven't been for the last few weeks due to absence and accidents. Found it an unusual pleasure though struck by a couple of things...en route, took a coffee with Olle-Bendik and whilst in the cafe met Yvonne. Said we were off drawing; she said, but you can already draw, why do you have to do it again??? No need to answer that one but the refrain stayed with me as I worked and realised that the other artists had refrains batting about their heads too, just out of ear-shot - a bunch of neurotics chattering away to ourselves. Calm and contented until the end when things took a turn and started to go really well - I felt that suspension as something else begins to arrive, breathes down your neck - which was when Pierre began to prowl and peer noisily over shoulders not reaching me but inducing a state of actual terror which blew all the rest away.
Which came first? Do I become available to interruption and invoke the *muse* or does the muse attract the interruption? Very conscious and carried on despite ferkkin up the page terribly. Must learn a way of  dismissing self-sabotage. It could be a function of the panic of time - there are only 2 hours in the session. If there were a lot more, it might be OK. My concentration shouldn't be so frail.

sunday 25th nov

Yesterday a total horror as I understood profoundly that my work is embarrassing rubbish; my life has been wasted and nothing is salvageable. Had this sense before but never so completely.
Worked on the Ripley scroll copy which at least absorbed some energy (and went well in recompense) and by the afternoon decided to take the train to Carcassonne and see if a change of air would help decide what to do.
Sleep has been disrupted lately over the Circe painting and still is - been awake since 5.00am this morning - but this morning realised that it really doesn't matter. Ok, so its crap; so what? Who cares? There is nothing else I can do or could have done with my life. I might have gone off and done good somewhere but it didn't work like that. And I've met some wonderful people and had wonderful experiences that belong firmly in the art milieu.
(Its just occurred to me that this may be a backlash from the Chemin rejection but having thought about it fairly sure it isn't)
The Carcassonne trip didn't help any, just gloomy and lonely. Did manage to photocopy the posters for the show at Quillan - having trouble printing and copying ( machine failures) so this at least is one less thing to fret about. Did them in B and W and pleased - used an entertaining image. Hoping that its not this little expo that has tipped my balance.
This mornings resolution is one way of coping. There is nothing else I'd rather do. If I'm no good at it, well -  can't be helped. I've done my best. Can try harder and will though today I have declared a holiday.

Friday 23rd Nov

effective morning - started early, studio at 8.00 after watching stupendous dawn  by the river - pic of circe going well. Photographed and posted stuff on www.thishumanclay.blogspot.com in the hope of encouraging Ian to address the site. Horribly dispiriting. Lunch now then I think head for the hills with a drawing book.

nov 22th thurday 2012

Being Thursday, the day is disturbed... builders 9.30, another 11.00, femme de menange 10.00, Steve leaving for Zurich, lunch to buy and cook - Andree at 3.00 and frankly knackered afterwards. Pity as yesterday was quite good... finished 2, neither bad though not shattering. Cant up load them as camera set on many pixels and too rich for the site; will find out how to change it and re-do. Started more with sanglier central to the theme, like them...
yesterday, rejected by the Artistes a suivre jury, which though expected was still a funny one. Years since Ive been rejected from anything - a lesson in playing too safe? Content to join the illustrious company who have previously been chucked out but a little surprised as the 10 images I gave them seemed very accessible and painterly. Not taking it personally anyway.
On the plus side Molly has suggested an expo in Nice in the spring. A fine plan. Will visit and check it out, next week I think - if I can get the invitations to the Quillan expo sorted. Having trouble finding an image I like that reproduces well.
Am trying to get Ian to re-do website, it seems he has no work pattern or any sort of discipline. Cant find out when - or indeed if- he might achieve anything.
Phil and Lily still here, another week, though they sweetly don't intrude. Hard to focus with activity about me.Should try harder, like as not.
This one has fewer pixels than others - pity its hardly visible -

and finally...

Back, but due to friends staying still not actually back at work. Had rather a fruitful time in London though. Saw brother Mark, always stimulating- Vina and David at 291 and friends at Benjamin Rhodes 60th at the Royal Academy Schools place, lovely -
Set myself no tasks and went from gallery to gallery taking notes. Discovered a lot about what I like and what I hate. 

Art of Change at the Hayward. Hated horribly. Destroyed my day. Excellent work that communicated despair and loss of will to live. Easily caught. Don't want to think about it anymore.

Paul Benny under Somerset House. Loved. Very painterly and set in scuddy cellars. Spooky and great. Went to buy the postcards and didnt like them - realised it was the setting that did it.  Not entirely, of course - perhaps reproduction is difficult. Looks good on the site, mostly.  http://www.paulbenney.com/home/

 Also at Somerset house, John Virtue - between the gift shop and the toilets -  a bunch of monoprints done from the roof of the building of the river. Totally loved them though some were formulaic. The ones that worked were spectacular.

 http://www.marlboroughfineart.com/artist-John-Virtue-124.html

Stuff sat Tate Modern as dull as ever - talk about theme park - 12 c Italians at the National as good as ever- spent most of my time trying to find somewhere quiet to look at things and London aint like that. 

Did get to the Serpentine before anyone else and  caught Thomas Schutte which was rather disappointing, the work seemed to always fall slightly short of its potential. 
http://www.serpentinegallery.org/2011/03/thomas_schutte.html

Took in the Ripley Scroll at the Science Museum - notes on that at http://ripleyscroll.blogspot.fr
quiet for an hour, anyway:)

Drew; drew in ordinary (made-by-me) nasty paper notebook and watercoloured into a very posh and expensive watercolour hardbacked book, which latter pays off as the paper does all the work and the hardback makes it easy to control. Had to leave them in London because I couldn't get them onto my cheap flight but feel quietly confident and have a newish sense of direction. Having said that, got back to another notebook that Id been feeling quietly confident about and its crap.  

Walked to the Barrier in Greenwich and missed Vong Phaophanits' Ash and Silk Wall,since destroyed by lorry drivers taking the piss. Remembered the launch;  how a new future seemed to be unfurling. Ha!

fri 02 11 12

The Dream of the Tortoise, finished. And nearly finished others and have varnished many more, some of which need repainting but hey, not today. Got to be entertaining for a few days, then off to London for a week. Will manage. A few days consistent work keeps me sane enough for a few days off - and I can check out the London galleries again.

31st Oct 2012 weds

Finished this jolly thing yesterday and have nearly finished two slightly more sensible ones, dealing (probably) with the nature of making and being made - used life drawings that had been reached by obscuring the markmaking and followed the suggestions of the surface to make the rest. Standard surrealist practice, I guess. I like them so far. May finish today (have cold and am prone to falling asleep, but in bed at 9.00 last night and slept through till 6.00 so may be through that now.)

Oct 29th Monday

Despite raucous weekend, got some studio time in - consider the above finished - did work on the notebook and the Ripley scroll. Plus a couple of other pix are shaping up.

Today being Monday went life drawing. Fabienne modelled (she is the model for the pic above) and I took carbon paper and a dead biro - drew blind, not making any marks, used the first carbon to examine and elaborate on the marks I'd got there and on the third paper,(= second carbon), was simply a marriage of the two. 

Explained this to Fabienne in the break as she could see me drawing but not having a product. She was interested in the process. As I was telling her about it I inwardly reflected on the hunger of the pencil to make marks - think this has been a topic for a while, the servant/master relationship only between tool and user - =considered the nature of the empty biro, the spent tool, the vacuous object etc. etc. Half way though the next drawing the dead biro, dead these many years and only kept for romantic association and as a book mark, dead as a dodo, decided to revive itself. Bloody annoying. And odd - weather is freezing, the MJC space heated by little electric fires.

Usual distractions. Pierre decided with Fabiennes permission to take photos - not a practice I approve of but she'd OK'd it - Julian was angry and  made it clear, tensions rise - the usual huffers and puffers and scratchers and shifters we out in force but I kept cool (ish). Think now its because Im coming down with a cold. Ears and head ringing, strange distances. Lala.

Did some life/carbon drawing into notebook. Hope that wasn't a mistake. Fear I will appear to be drawn to the gimcrack rather than the worthy.

Oct 25th Thurs

Spent last night with Agrippa, trying to find out the three types of melancholy. My sole source is his 3 Books of Occult Philosophy (pub. Chthonios, 1986) and is a facsimile of the 1651 English translation  so not an easy read - checked out the Saturn stuff - but no sign of  melancholy. Why did I think it was he who had influenced Durer, resulting in Melancholia being called Melancholia 1? No idea -
Loved Agrippa though, what a clever geezer. Resorted to Hanegraaf's Big Dic of Gnosis and Western Esotericism for more on him and have been charmed:)
Will ignore it all and just finish the painting - it is OK as it stands, once its dry enough to tweek. Have put in Durer's rainbow and turned his Saturn into a shooting star. It hangs by the death head - remembering that a shooting star was a sign that a soul had left purgatory and gone to heaven  (at any rate thats what we were told as children)
Slept late - gone 8.00 by the time I woke up, despite the dog licking me at 6.00 -  managed yet again to correct the Ripley Scroll and then mess about with the 4 pix on the go. Nothing wonderful. Tired now and have to get some housework done. People tonight and guests for weekend. Pause for reflection.
Oh and today's drawing.... planned to do tortoise but it hasn't come out today. Later, walk.

Oct 24th Weds 2012

Unusually good day... started early, dark, and began by correcting yesterdays Ripley scroll drawing - seems to be how I start each day now. Then to tweek yesterdays Melancholia, very loosely based on Durers pic of the same name which I must look up in Cornelius Aggrippa's work - it seems he identified 3 kinds of melancholy of which the first is useful, this being Durers theme. Nearly there but the deaths head is too not-good and its got to dry a bit before I can hit it again. (Unfortunately it looks like my mother which given her 6-month-ago death is,hmm, creepy.)
Able to structure a newly begun nude and on the strength of that to begin another - thence to a little cheery mythic anomaly head  before Kat arrived to measure up for some decorating work. In the meantime the 4 lunch guests either canceled or fell by the wayside, so I could carry on - after coffee and breakfast in the cafe du pont.

My neighbours have dropped off a basket of Lactarius Deterrimus mushrooms (or similar, not sure; have to blanche them before frying so they might be something else) Anyway before I clean and cook them they will be todays note-book drawing.

And I have the afternoon and evening clear!

Oct 22cnd 2012

Not exactly back in harness - came back from visiting Arles (Nimes, Lodeve) to a weekend with Bob here and lots to do - now Monday so got to drawing. Great pleasure. Fabienne modeling, shes very good; and a large group of committed artists, Gill, Jean-Noel, Olle-B., Julius, Margaret, Sabine, Didier etc. Results still crap. I took pencils and poor quality woodchip and there's no doubt in my mind that  if I ever had a facility, I've murdered it. Which is good. Work like crazy to learn to draw and then forget all you know.

Drawing away thinking, why am I doing this? Are these notes for a painting? Its clear they are not an end in themselves. The process then, does it prepare me for something else? Sometimes I feel that different pencils have different needs, some have to have energy worked off them, some need coaxing and delicacy. Which may be taking anthropomorphism too far - I'm not doing it for the gratification of the equipment, please...

Been wondering whether to apply for a postgrad drawing course in England. I could use help and this particular trust specialize in drawing. They give bursaries. Tho a year in England might be too too horrid.
And they may not want me. They ask to see 10 drawings and 3 notebooks. My notebooks are a mess - shopping lists, poems, recipes, drawings, copies from galleries, half-witted doodlings - but there's time to do 'proper' notebooks, I guess. Thinking about failure (again) I realise I rather want to be evaluated. Who knows if I'm any good? Then I realised if they said I wasn't any good it would change nothing. What I really want is approval.

Like the notion of working towards something. Will probably try for it or at least will prepare the portfolio and books and see how I feel then.

Pressing on with the scroll. Its pretty dull at the moment. Just work.

In the meantime wrote a review of Theo van Rysselberghe at Lodeve (horrible) and been looking again at Durer, whom I love. Working on a version of Melancholia, in between scroll sessions.

Sat 13th Oct

Poddling on... started a nude from an indifferent drawing, saw the dog immediately and then, hmm, the Durer death head - enjoying it and when it gets difficult I go and work on the scroll, which is practically unworkable its so overworked. Think I need time out of the studio - which is as well, as I'm in Nimes and its environs next week.

11th Oct 2012

 Begining to look like white birds solve everything:) messy bit here cleared up with WB - and retouched the painting below to give the WB a face, at Jims suggestion - works better, though I regret it. Preferred the innuendo of the former but it takes the weight off the puzzle of her intensity, or something.

Have decided to call the next show Birds and Beasts and only include pix with B and B's in them. Solves selection issues, unifies the theme if not the style.

9th oct Tuesday

...knackered, doing the scroll hurts my shoulders and working at the easel hurts my legs. Probably just need to rest but its so hard to get anything actually done -
So, the scroll is getting more manageable if not without difficulties - see *making a ripley scroll* blogspot - and Ive done a little painting which I like, though its cutesy, quelle horror. Its not meant to be. Its sexual and dangerous but it looks like a girl and a duck and a dog under the moon by the sea. Its about contracts, deals, compromises. Its on board and fits a huge frame (bought from Debs of Blossom stock) which will either redeem it or render it hopelessly winsome.
-To eat, to sleep. Easier tomorrow. I'm out of practice, is all.

Mondy Oct 8th 2012

twelve artists at life drawing this morning:) - A new model, Natalie, a dancer from Spain. Excellent air of solid determination and good will exuding from the group. Even the noisy sighers kept it to a minimum. Took chinese ink painting kit, stone, sticks and all which required explanations and so forth but not intrusively, BAD work though - very bad - the light touch of grace has fled from me. I have a tremor too. Dunno when that arrived or if its permanent, but my Grandma and Father had it (as well as type 2 diabetes which 2 brothers now have, ho hum)
Afternoon copying the Ripley scroll in fear and trembling. Scaled it up and then remembered that actually Im crap at that, its better to freehand it. Lots of my freehanding spent on correcting 'errors' in the scroll - size of Hermes Trig., shape of him - before realising that it had to be done as real because it compensated for hanging from a height. No other reason for the distortion. Good reason for it. Found that out anyway.

Longing to get paint onto canvas. Got a free week, almost, intend to use it though will trick it out with the Ripley copy.
One thing, after the siesta dream of a diminishing dog under the oaks in Weybridge, struck me about 'gifts' - things immovable in ones nature - and faithfulness- so, the retention, the faithfulness, of the 'real' nature of ones abilities. You can mess about but there is a basic ability. This was helpful to the process today. Diminished the fear, somewhat. I surveyed my young life as an artist to see what these gifts consisted of and in that process remembered the moment when I chose to never drink or take drugs while painting. I was 17, had been thrilled with a picture painting after smoking dope and woke up to find it was crap. Never did it again. Nowadays I dont smoke dope but I do drink alcohol and if Ive had a glass of wine for dinner I dont return to the studio. Stupid!! I calculate mistakes and here is a method of obtaining them bona fides, as it were. Wheres that bottle....

deviation avenue

Since l've been back from England what energy there is has gone here;  http://ripleyscroll.blogspot.fr/

Enjoyed the National Gallery - spent time with Titian-

sunday night sept 16th

...to say that all is quiet is to redefine inaction. Last couple of days - last day and a half, say - spent of the computer, getting submission for artistes a suivre together. Found myself enchanted by the addressing of the envelope to self, for the results to be forwarded. Allowing for failure and  expecting it. 
Still, still - nothing else can be done. I have drawing tomorrow, possibly - may not go - and then its off to Blightly. Resolved to use the time in galleries and with artists. It aint work but it'll sure inform it later.

weds 12 sept

So, plumber arrived - only an hour late - and worked till lunch, which I prepared for the team. It was therefore afternoon before I could hit the studio. Fortunately it was raining or I'd have fled to the hills; instead in an excess of physical energy I cleaned the studios. One room is finally done, done enough to actually hoover - many years since that has happened. The other, perhaps, will get attempted soon. But only if I run out of other choices. Tomorrow being Thursday is house cleaning and french lesson and domestics in general. I may give up this fight as I'm leaving for England on Tuesday for 2 weeks - doesn't seem worth starting anything new, except if I don't I may go mad.
Would like to get some more drawing in before going.

sept 11th 2012

The central heating engineer couldn't come and had the grace to phone me - so I headed for the hills and was drawing by 10.30. Made it to three sites and by the third was too tired to do anything but stare into space. Made it home by 4.00 and slept till 6.00. Trouble with drawing like this is I only get to do a bit because I'm knackered by the climb to the site. And the heat - ah, the heat! Had to take the sunhat off to dry my hair because it was soaked in sweat. But glorious really, I'm sunburnt and achy tired but happy though anxious that I have only 4 drawings to show for today and 3 yesterday which doesn't seem a lot to me. What should an output be?

10th sept 2012

Perfect weekend, enjoyable, relaxing; with glad heart I made it to breakfast in the cafe this morning before going to draw at the MJC. Nessim was going to model and he's a pain but I often get good results from having to deal with whatever it is about him that is annoying on a particular day - like, normally he's just snotty because he knows hes a better artist than us, which is fair enough, but other times its other things. Today he was both stroppy and playful, refusing to pose as asked and doing other poses instead, etc. Began by farting around between poses so instead of a continuous and concentrated flow there was a staccato effect which got increasingly frustrating. Julian stormed out eventually leaving a cloud of anger behind him. I could barely talk through my gritted teeth.

Bloody model more interested in himself  than tool of artist. He is PAID to model.

Was  reminded of myself as a young painter - 19-odd - attacking a man called Gary with a palette knife because he kept messing about whilst modeling. Recall I was frighted by my violence and spent subsequent years suppressing and redirecting this type of frustration. Find now I am awash with anger.

Trying to calm myself I had used a very light pencil, 3H, and tried to keep my marks without distinction of depth. So I learnt that - its a good way to focus on the line. I always try to add too many tones - as I try to use too much colour - something learnt.

Afterwards, full of  frustrated drawing energy, I took myself up Rue Dr Clot with a knapsack of sandwiches, water, a portable stool, paper, ink, watercolours, sunhat. Decided to grind the ink because its so calming.
  Managed from 1.30 till 4.00, came home and slept dead out till 6.00. Then carried on cleaning studio.

Lovely up there - views to Montazells, Couiza, various mountains. Got into a hedge so sun not too hot, comfortable with my back to the hedge, no-one around. Except Tony, whom I met on the walk up, all quiet. Felt better. Landscapes change but delightfully and not because they have set their will against yours... (I don't think)

Got person to service the studio heating tomorrow but hope to return to the mountains tomorrow - would like to try working from the top of the Butte St Helene. Views over the world. Now red wine is calling.

sat 8th sept 2012

I knew it I knew it I knew it. Was too stupid to do anything about it.
...That the cafe l'Origyn'l was a daft place to put a painting that I cared about. Nonetheless I have been putting paintings there regular as clockwork, two littles and a big, changing every couple of weeks. I have only done one painting that I really like this year and that is the one that was damaged by a gust of wind throwing the easel over and going through the canvas. Its the hen-woman nude, BTW. Anyway I can repair it but its unsaleable, if it were ever likely to sell.
Its just that I knew it....

sept 5

Still cleaning studio.
Whilst ripping and binning bits on walls discover a dearth of Durers.... this pic of Death the Knight and the Devil is there, an old photograph nicked from my great aunt. Always liked because on the one hand there is a lizard getting out of its skin and on the other a skull. What was AD saying?? Was it heretical? Then there's  a reproduction bought in the Prado - or  Reina Sofia or Thyssen, I forget-  of a leopard or some form of cat. And many more I carry in my heart, for two reasons: one, the use of symbols and two, he's imperfect. Often. You can read the struggle and the result and judge if the endeavour was successful. And of course, that self-portrait... which girl didn't fall in love with him?
Had those praying hands on my wall as a child and of course the hare. Wonder which of my parents put those up?
Preferred the pleasure of the Vermeer on the wastepaper basket, possibly because it was on ground level and there was a sense of ownership.
Wonderful feeling, clearing the decks. Gesso'd 2 canvases and a board while I was at it - tomorrow bringing the last series to date to the studio for storage, hence clear out to get space to get stuff together. Currently chaotic though.
Below are drawings that informed the last painting of nude with black bird. The thing that looks like a pantomime carriage really is from the hat museum.

sept 4th 2012

Been laid up for a couple of days with some sort of bug - nausea,cramps, temp variation, sleepiness. Apart from the unpleasantness and a tinge of fear, quite nice dreamy state which I'm hoping will pay off. Good dreams, useful visions.
It set in on Monday morning. Had to leave drawing mid-way, was frightened of throwing up or passing out. The drawings are tense and resourceful - perhaps. I'm still not quite well.
NG-C has died, Peter D is just out of intensive care, had a terrible summer with Bob. Emotionally hammered. That would do it then - lucky if I get off with a couple of days:)

friday 31st aug 2012

Managed to resolve using strange devise on the horizon - in fact a machine from the Hat Museum, where Ive been drawing in extremis. Enjoy its strange ambiguity. Freed me up a tad.
Now rearranging studio - shelving, sorting and junking stuff. Need space in every sense.

29th aug 2012

 finished 2 littles, mostly finished because I'm stuck and cant think how to develop them, and an old drawing I like -

27th aug 2012

Rabid with frustration. Things begin and swing along - one tiny pic finished and with pleasure - then more demands made on my time that I can barely keep pace with. Lights appear at the end of tunnels and are extinguished. Don't know how I can bear more of this.
--Still, choices don't abound. 
Here's a nice little nude - days of wrestling, and its about 6x8 ins - ridiculous - below that, a slightly larger mythic anomaly.
The little nude entirely done to fit the frame, which came from Blossom. Having to witness the waste of her art-life as her husband refused to let her work doesn't help my frame of mind.

carrying on

 Set up a new thing on account of the stuff on the go is irreconcilable internally, driving me mad, wanted something I could DO; which in turn is setting up issues that challenge, maybe its time to go back to simple drawing. Went through a stash yesterday and am resolved in future to date them. Stopped that practice at some time, dunno why. Some of them I don't remember doing and it is rather scarey, so a date will help fix the things a bit. In time if not in space, sigh.

 The seraglio pix - which will soon need a proper title - has taken a bit more cohesive sense with the addition of shadows. Not to create an illusion, god forbid, but to suggest a life outside the plane. So there are things of the air, things of the water, things high and low - and things over there, out there.



Found the drawing below lying around, I have used it as a base for a picture, cant remember if its photographed and having photographed don't know where to store it. So here it is.

My old friend from London now of Brazil, Patrick Cuenot, has just rung ; hes in France and coming round tomorrow. We showed together in London a few times; longing to see what hes up to and dreading showing my work.

aug 15th 2012

emotional headache after re-negotiating my life here. Clearly I have to focus up; equally clearly the set-up is impossible. Anyway, have gained a three-month period, Jan -March 2013, where I will work in isolation. Just soldiering on till then.

Both pleased (at the deal) and shocked (at how hard its been) 

mon 13th 2012

still fiddling... dove a resolution of the ungainly composition but now the girls head has to be adjusted. Drawing this morning was dreadful, if a student had handed me any of what I'd produced I would have advised them to get a job and forget a life with art. Suicide is looking like an option again. When it gets cooler I shall start taking long walks and drawing, exercise might help. In the meantime, its very hot. Swim? Not much help with the drawing...

aug 12th 2012

still fiddling. Bloody thing is taking up all my dreams and I cant make it work. Fast reaching the 'junk it' stage.
Went to Montpelier and the Musee Fabre where the taschisme lot had an impact - not that I feel an affinity, but it might help if I did.

4th Aug 2012 still fiddling

august 2 2012

Signed and dated... though not quite sure if finished. Still in studio.

aug 1st

Finished this last week - its better than it looks:)  I think. Today is housework

juy 31st 2012

This isn't what I meant to upload but here it is... work on the seraglio continues, looking more and more cute, desperate, have left to dry and will attack another of the back of a woman among the Iris's, dunno why.

july 30th

Same song in my head for days; 'out of the land of shadows and darkness we were returning towardsss the morning li-hhhihight'. Suddenly (at drawing this morning) it changed to the battle hymn of the republic,' mine eyes have  seen the glory' etc. Filled with happiness. Had to leave the room to try and trace the track of the change and what it presaged. Lo! I know what to do about the seraglio picture and its not what I thought, all the studies for the proposed changes have to go. So much bloody paint on the thing, may have to start again. Its the point that she is looking backwards, its the backward look that causes all the disasters and that is the paintings topic. The far-too-cutesy head must be turned and looking at the hands. Back to the drawing board.

28th July

Huge break mostly due to absence from internet connection - no big deal, writing in the wifi'd cafe down the road. Caffeine charged. Been working well after the last visitors went, had several clear days and a head full of notions. One finished - no up-loadable pic as yet - which has delighted me until this morning, when it seemed that the subtle and enchanting complexities, hard-fought, were rather simplistic and perhaps, horrors, decorative; plus the paint seems to have sunk. Photo to follow. Have been photographing stages which put some of the issues dealt with into perspective...
finished a little mythic anomaly which charms me too - another recipe for disappointment no doubt, haven't seen it today. Have seen the pic which has been my fight for three weeks, its a nude's back seated in a seraglio, with a peacock and a rat and a hand reaching out to be lifted or drag her down - contact with the dead, an Orpheus and Eurydice moment - wanted to call it, we were returning towards the morning light but that aint right, really. Bits have been perfect and Ive changed sections to match and then had to change the perfect ones, its like climbing a pyramid, I know I can get something tremendous out of this but then I always feel that and am continually dashed, half-an hour after completion.
So, business as usual.
Oh except have agreed to exhibit in London and Helen and Tony Othens gallery in Greenwich - September 2013. Sure I'm not ready but cant keep farting about for ever- three years on this new series and there is certainly a good choice of pix. By late 2013 should have a decent little catalogue. 

july 10th 2012

Deathly silence, but brain stuff happening; many visitors but have tomorrow and Friday, maybe the weekend too, in the studio. Been drawing. Badly, so that must mean movement and change, lala, it would be good to have a result for once. Have three clear ideas entirely based on restrictions. Maybe its time to list restrictions and select a handful in the morning, or before bed to think about in the night.

July 1st Sunday

Been in Spain all week - a day-and-night in Barcelona thence to Seville and back, all by train.

The journey had its adventures but the first real shock was getting onto the terrace of Hughs flat which we were renting for the week.  It was on the fourth floor in the middle of the old town and clearly visible, level with us and down a bit, was a statue of Hercules on a pillar.

I'd been dreaming of it, the statue- even talked about it, because I didn't know how I knew it was Hercules and thought  I'd seen it on a postage stamp. (Been looking at the stamps I have defaced to make the World King series and thought it had emerged from that.)
It was ominous there, looming, ugly, it scared me. It already had an importance in my mind. The terrace gave me vertigo - that is to say, I have vertigo and the terrace was high up - and the worst thing of constant vertigo, apart from the physical symptoms, is the urge to jump. Was this a presage of my suicide? Naturally I had to keep reminding myself not to self-fulfill, whilst at the same time trying to come to terms with killing myself.

Bravely I slept on the terrace for a few nights. Felt more in charge. Then the flying cockroaches arrived so I moved indoors. Unpleasantly hot or cold and windy with aircon on.    

Having said all this, had a very good time. Enjoyed Bobs company, enjoyed Hughs company, enjoyed the change in diet and the art of the city.

The one repetitive idea was about wind. In a hot and airless place, it would be.  Finding that the Arabs had twelve names for their twelve winds excited me though I couldn't find out any more. The little wind at night was like being played with by a beast that battered around me - impossible not to personify it - so representing these winds and trying to understand an historical relationship with them kept me awake. Seeing their shapes in the architecture ditto.

The art of the galleries was not terribly special though there were many little pleasures, chiefly Jose Villegas Cordero, La Muerte del Maestro, 1913 (death of a bullfighter; he is on his bier in a chapel which swarms with bullfighters - gorgeous) and Lucas Valdes, Retrato Milagroso de San Francisco de Paula, c.1710 (in which an angel completes the artists work, using the artist as a model as he lies exhausted on the floor -:)  )))
 They were hanging in the Bellas Artes de Sevilla, pleasantly cool, large and empty-of-people place. At the Centro Andaluz de Arte Contemporano  I enjoyed Ruth Moran and her large black papers with twitchy lines on 'em, worked well, (Psychographies, she calls them) and Jose Pinar who stacked around a hundred canvases so you could see that they were paintings though not clearly - called Greatest Hits, 1992 -2012, unsold work and nicely ironic. Laughed a lot.

Trouble was that the building is an old monastery and quite quite fabulous so art has competition there.

Most memorable time was the last night in the gardens of the Real Alcazar, where Marino Pardo sang to Juan Carlos de Mulder's guitar. She was floodlit in crimson against the hysterical green of a huge hedge, sang like something inhuman, the winds started playing...

Been back for two days and haven't got near the studio. Nor will I be able to tomorrow - have to pack up some stored work for repairs to the space they are stored in - trying to keep calm. Maybe Tuesday.

June 15th Friday

So, a mistake to celebrate; headache and sleepless night as a result and serve me right. But still like the image. Don't know how to develop it. Just unraveling other drawings. Its cloudy today, rather nice after the harsh light of the last.
Later; it got hotter and brighter and I made a serious start on another pic which will be one of a pair.  Had to go to Limoux in the afto to sort train tickets from Barcelona for next week (going to Seville by train) so seized the moment to get to the Musee Petiet which is a fave. Will write about it for MonOc. Fun time with Max, who drove. Surprisingly OK for a bad night and comfortable with the sense of direction the new paintings have acquired.

june 14th thurs

Unusually I had the whole day clear -normally Thursday is cleaning and french but both femme de menage and my best french friend have cancelled so it was a straight run. First for a long time. Got up at 7.00 and went back to bed, didn't start work till 8.00 luxuriating in the non-panic of a full day. Gesso'd two canvases for the pictures I want to do tomorrow and finished this, above, which I like. I don't think the face is as weird as it  looks in this photo - will check and change it if it is, don't want that much expression.
The sunlight is strong and a pleasure to work under.
Now time for a large meal.

13th June, Weds

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYh-xq2wv_A&feature=youtu.be

after a weeks enforced distance from studio been busy today - finished 2 small ones (a dancing doll-thing reoccurring and roses round a kissing Krishna and observer) Did the video last night after planning for a while. Should probably re-do properly but its only a beautiful thing, neither here nor there.
Lots happening in my head and several days to make it all real. No words, therefore. None that I can remember:)

5th June Tuesday

Yesterdays drawing dreadful; in view of a shortage of time, patience and robust health (hungover) decided to use cheap old drawing paper and just draw. Since then have been too busy to even look at them and don't want to know the worst. Have changed bedrooms due to roof monster, now in Winter bedroom (directly under easel) and so sleeping badly everywhere. Today is domestic, tomorrow is Toulouse for 2 days getting the flat there scrubbed out. Tied up then till the 11th and a good thing too: need to think about the last pictures and what direction they take me in.

Sunday June 3rd as well

Just discovered how to make the drawing below really big but not how to write on the page, hence another post with the happy news that this week has seen the completion of three paintings, the gessoing in many layers of 4 large canvases and about 20 drawings that I like, including one that won't photograph because the critical thing is a gold line which doesn't want to reproduce. And I may have sold a drawing to people with discretion but that's not in the bag yet.
Sleeping next to the studio an excellent trick.Though whatever is rambling in the attic above it is getting pretty scarey - last night there was something big up there though I may have been dreaming. Don't think so. Felt malevolent. Worked out where whatever it is is getting in so may try and take steps to close entrance, may just give up and go to another room, may just forget about it - next week is patchy, have to stay in Toulouse one night, have many domestic things to deal with. But content, sense of direction and movement.

sunday June 3rd

Q

1st June 2012

Good sleeping next to the studio - I want to write 'less space for dialogue'; what I mean is that ideas stay lodged and don't have to be constantly examined. The flow is more fluid. Probably just sleeping better, scents waft off the mountain, the nightingales sing. Its all enchanted, the weather beautiful. Feel the urge to work bigger but have no large canvases. Maybe rabbit skin some biggish, maybe just gesso some - lala.

31th May yet more

Just covering up that fact that its another shit day in the studio, that I have a heap of excuses, that perhaps this labyrinth is really closed off.
Curiously happy nonetheless.

31st May another go

Want to see some pictures in a different milieu so made another effort to get some on line. Photographing (natural studio light) cropping and tweaking and looking on screen is another way to see whats happening.  Had thought that once the pictures were up it was possible to click on them to make them bigger, but it seems that this is not so. So have made them as big as I can.
And now back to work and less excuse for evasion.

may 30th hahahahha

just spent an age downloading the many drawings of the last 2 days and the machine has junked them... OK they weren't that good:))
Bad enough having a voice in my head making constant judgements, now I have a computer with attitude. 

Had a full-on studio day, interrupted by sandwiches for lunch and dinner; coffee with Kat, who has been ill and is better; a visit from Simon, who needed coffee and a talk; a visit from Phillipe who advises that eating and drinking wine is an insult to wine. And never drink red with Roquefort, always white.
After some uneasy nights had decided not only to change bedrooms but houses. Accordingly will be sleeping by the studio for the foreseeable.

monday May 28th

Lala. Its no good refusing a >style< and then complaining about too much diversity. Its no use wanting to be perpetually original and complaining that its hard; that personal traditions anchor me. Of course most of the product will fail, be a failure, be of no use at all and will cost in terms of time and materials. Of course. And the alternatives are not real so why complain?
Just not sure I'm up to this. 
Been drawing this morning at the MJC, Chantal modelling. I've come a long way. I no longer want to kill the noisy ones, the disruptive ones, the lazy model. My concentration is getting better which is something. All of today's work will be washed off and the paper re-stretched. At least the paper is a pleasure. Keep getting side-tracked by the sensual pleasure of mark making  - grateful for that even if it does deflect from the unknown purpose.
Just this side of despair with an internal commentary that won't shut up.

may 22 Tuesday

Today was indeed another day and I did a yoga class in the morning. Did it last week and was dreadful; could do more this week as I get the hang of it and the old body relaxes. Nonetheless felt sick and was afraid I'd vomit. Began to feel like an attention seeker and forced myself to carry on but must have looked weird - sweaty and red, at a guess - and was told to rest. Fear that hanging on to badness is part of my stock-in-trade - why not just skip about and throw arms in air singing allelujia?
Still have bad headache.
All that aside when I did hit the studio it was much better. Took the expensive and delicious papers and hit them to some effect, I think. Not finished and not sure but at least one gives me huge pleasure and another two give me comfort, in that their rescue was a tour de force. Dated them for yesterday because the date was so well balanced.
Off to Toulouse tomorrow so now work, possibly not for a week as Bob is here. No need to panic. Will try and think what my aims actually are - other than filling my time -

21 V 12

Monday, so drawing.... woke desperate and not knowing anything. Decided to use really beautiful paper so if I couldn't respect my abilities I could at least respect the paper - hand made, heavy, glorious - even for the quickies I used a heavy Arches. Wanted Chinese ink and couldn't find any - have I finally used it all? - didn't want to have to grind any in the course of the session. Settled for a pot labeled 'walnut and gin 2010'. My own, obviously. It was OK, capable of delicate nuance but loaded with greasy flecks. Given the poverty of my work, scarcely relevant.Waste of Fabienne who is a very good model.
So, so - the only way to get through the two hours was to remind myself that the afternoon was mine and I could use the time to work on this beautiful paper and try and make these images work. That got me through the two hours, anyway.
By the afternoon, needed to sleep (bad night) By the time I got to the studio was even more hesitant and nervous than when I'd done the wretched things.
One looked good. Then I over-reached myself. 
Tomorrow might find a route.
At least the paper can take punishment, it is so willing to be abused.
All this, I think, is because yesterday for the first time I did the course of the Artistes a Suivre.  Normally I'm in it or I'm away, whatever, so Ive never actually gone out and visited the expos. Yesterday M offered to drive and we did at least half and maybe three-quarters of the course. Now its hard for me to know what is significant... I so enjoyed the company of M for 8 hours plus, having forgotten the profound pleasure of friendship and shared interests, and was beside myself with happiness. So I can't tell what was good art, what bad (though actually, yes I can -) or what mattered about the day.
But woke thinking how sad it all was. So many decent artists, so many man hours, so much endeavor and care and hope. Yet again forced to confront my own worth and yet again forced to find I've fallen short. And no point in any of it.
One artist whose work I liked in the catalogue seemed to be mirroring my endeavors so I could measure his successes and failures and in his large body of work found two successes, not very successful at that. And they were more successful than any of mine.

Spoke to Ursula at Carmen's launch on Thursday. She has given up art and taken to Tai Chi.  Shes older than me and after a lifetimes struggle has quit... says its better, says shes less nervous, says it is good not having to think about painting all the time.

In the despair this morning I decided to stop (not for the first time but the first time for a few years) Immediately my mind hissed, so what will you do? Other women manage houses and meals effectively. Other women write, criticism, stories, reportage. Poetry. Come to think of it, I do all this too though not very well, indeed not at all well.
Hey ho. I'm taking myself too seriously. Lets just press on; for if it doesn't matter, why not?

Friday 18th May

Couldn't start work till the afternoon but did carry on till 9.30 pm. Pointless, however. I suspect because in the morning I was shifting old paintings  (restructuring storage) hundreds of them done over many years, the first in 1965. There's nothing like a house full of redundant paintings to make on appreciate the futility of the further pursuits.
Fairly cheerful though. Couple of things I really don't like enough to give me something to work with.

tuesday may 15th 2012

Not so much a diary as an update- hardly been in studio but been drawing on Monday - to no effect - and thinking, ditto. Will be able to work all day tomorrow, I think. In the meantime, bought some glass plates that are photographic negatives, hauntingly spooky. Love this one. Perhaps useful for Charon pix?

Thurs 10th May

 Had an entire day yesterday, minus early breakfast, lunch and time out to make sandwiches for dinner. Worked till 11.00pm and have 2 pix that are new, based on the idea of  the boatman - the ferryman - Charon - that I like (so far) Finished some more little ones of the mythic anomaly type, rather pleased as they were getting formulaic and these aren't. Odd stroppy woman with tune on her head.
Was in despair when I started. Now feel quite perky. No possibility of work for several days, household stuff, Bob arriving tomorrow so will go to Toulouse, etc, maybe I can see an expo and certainly read a book or two.  Dante, probably.